3 months ago

Three months ago today our lives changed forever.  It was exactly 3 months ago when Lucas went to be with Jesus.  Not a day, not even an hour, goes by that we don't think of him.

Somehow in the midst of all of this, I still believe in God's faithfulness and truth.  I can see God working in our lives and sustaining us in our most desperate hour.  I can feel the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I don't think it can truly be explained other than that, as followers of Christ, we have hope.  We will see our baby again.  I think if we didn't have that hope that we would be very lost.

I finished my 6 weeks of grief counselling last week.  It was an interesting experience.  I can't say for sure if I think it made a ton of difference, but it was nice to talk about Lucas.  And to know that the wide range of emotions I'm feeling is normal.  I would recommend grief counselling to someone going through a loss.  We are looking at joining a support group for parents going through the same thing.  I truly believe that support is critical during a time like this.  Not just the "I"m here if you need anything" stuff that people say.  I"m talking about the true, deep, unconditional support that very few people offer.

Three months.  And it feels like it was just yesterday.  The pain is still there.  The hard to breathe, hard to get out of bed, hard to cope with pain is still there.  Has the pain eased any?  Maybe in some ways.  The shock of it all has worn off.  But in some ways the pain has deepened.  The guilt has increased.  The over-analyzing every little decision we made haunts us.  Deep down I know we spent as much time as we could at the hospital.  We made every decision in his best interest.  We fought for him.  We fought for him when they told us he had very little hope.  We fought for him before he was born.  We prayed for him.  People all over the world prayed for him.

We miss him.  We love him.  We always have and always will.