Never Once

I have listened to this song a lot lately.  My walk with God has experienced some high highs and low lows over this last year.  I won't pretend that I have always had faith, strength, and grace during these hard times.  There were times, and still are, that I was angry with God.  Angry that my son died.  Angry that he suffered so much while he was here.  Angry that I was robbed of the things that so many people take for granted with their children- robbed of ever seeing Lucas smile or laugh or walk or go to school or get married. 

I don't like admitting that I've felt these things and still feel them, but it is the honest truth.  Grief isn't pretty.  It's messy.  And hard.  And unpredictable.  Some days I think I will be doing OK, then anxiety and sadness sneak up on me.

But one thing I'm certain of is never once did I ever walk alone.

People would tell me to lean on God.  Some days I would fall on him, exhausted and overwhelmingly sad from missing my son.

And I will never have to walk alone on this unthinkable journey.  It's hard to find friends with whom I can talk to about Lucas.  Most people avoid the subject, either because they don't know what to say or because they say it "hits too close to home" for them.  It's like if they avoid the subject of the death of my child, they are shielding themselves from the thought or possibility of something happening to their children.  Sometimes, I don't blame them.  I would never wish this pain on anyone.  And I don't blame them for not wanting to taste even a fraction of my pain by talking about it.

But, for me, I need to talk about Lucas.  So I talk to God.  After all, God knows the very same pain of losing a child.

And I will see Lucas again someday.  I cling to that hope every day.  Until that day comes, I know I will never have to walk alone.