348

348 days since I held you in my arms.

348 days since I kissed your sweet face and held your tiny hands.

348 days since the day my entire world was turned upside down.

348 days and the pain is just as real and as raw as day 1.

My heart aches.  That is about the simplest way to describe how I feel right now.  I feel this weight on my chest, this deep sorrow in my soul.  The closer we get to July 7, the more depressed I feel.  I'm having vivid flashbacks to the day he died.

I feel that so many times people view child loss as a taboo subject to talk about.  People want to see strong parents, full of faith, resiliently move forward with their lives.  People don't always know what to do with the reality- broken parents trying to put the fragile pieces of their hearts back in some way, knowing life will never be the same again.

And so many times I mask the depth of my pain and sorrow.

When people tell me to just focus on and appreciate what I have here, I usually just smile and nod.  Some days I want to just break down and scream at them, "You have no idea how much I appreciate my children here.  But tell me, which one of YOUR children do you think you could live without???!"  But I know these people are well meaning and are trying to be supportive.  It makes me feel like my pain isn't validated though.  And I don't know how a mother could ever get over losing her child.

I still cannot look at twins without tearing up.  Not just for me, but for Miller.  His little buddy isn't here anymore.  Although I truly believe Lucas is watching over him, I'm sad for Miller that he will never get to experience a lot of special twin things.

I just can't believe it's been 348 days.  In some ways it feels like just yesterday, and in other ways it feels like it's been forever.