The loss of a child is truly devastating. Heart breaking, gut wrenching, devastating. Whether it be a loss due to miscarriage, stillborn, death of a small baby, a child, or an adult child, when you lose your child you lose a piece of you. You will never be the same. I would never wish this pain on anyone.
Some people help ease the pain. Some inflict more. Many people ask "How can I be a friend to you at a time like this?" Most people don't know what to say. That's okay. It's okay to say "I don't know what to say." Personally I would prefer this response over avoidance of the subject or a cliche "right thing to say." It's also okay to say "I'm sorry, this sucks and I hurt for you." Honestly there is no right thing to say, so don't worry about saying the perfect right thing.
Don't be afraid to say my child's name to me or to talk about him. I know people are scared of making me sad, but the truth is I will always be sad over losing my son. But I also have joy in my life too. My son brought me joy and happiness and I want to remember those times. I love talking about my precious boy. I don't want to avoid the subject of him. I want to talk about him. It's okay to bring him up in conversation.
Remember that grief doesn't expire. I may seem like I'm living a normal life these days and I may even smile or laugh, but I'm still grieving. Grief is different for everyone. For me, I grieve privately. I don't often break down or cry in front of other people. You may see me out and about with a smile on my face but what you don't see is me sobbing alone at home, desperately wishing I could be rocking my son to sleep instead of visiting his grave.
Be understanding as I travel on this unthinkable journey. I am going to have good days. I am going to have bad days. Certain things will trigger strong memories and emotions. A song, a date, the smell of the hand sanitizer used in hospitals, etc.
And speaking of dates, help me remember the special dates. The day I first got to hold Lucas, his birthday, the day I found out we were expecting twins. These are all special to me. Understand that some dates will be painful. The day Lucas passed away. The day he was buried. Those days will be hard for the rest of my life.
Know that sometimes the small things can mean the most. Not every act of kindness has to be big. One of the most endearing and sweetest things a friend did was come over to my house and just sit with me. My friend Abbey came over as soon as she heard and let me cry and cried with me. She was there to support me, not to fix things.
Now, everyone is different and I know that not every bereaved parent feels the same way about things as I do. I really do think the two things that most bereaved parents feel the same about are that their child is and always will be important, loved, and cherished to them and for people to respect the way they grieve.
If you know a bereaved parent or really anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, show them love. Love makes all the difference.
From,
A Bereaved Mother
And speaking of dates, help me remember the special dates. The day I first got to hold Lucas, his birthday, the day I found out we were expecting twins. These are all special to me. Understand that some dates will be painful. The day Lucas passed away. The day he was buried. Those days will be hard for the rest of my life.
Know that sometimes the small things can mean the most. Not every act of kindness has to be big. One of the most endearing and sweetest things a friend did was come over to my house and just sit with me. My friend Abbey came over as soon as she heard and let me cry and cried with me. She was there to support me, not to fix things.
Now, everyone is different and I know that not every bereaved parent feels the same way about things as I do. I really do think the two things that most bereaved parents feel the same about are that their child is and always will be important, loved, and cherished to them and for people to respect the way they grieve.
If you know a bereaved parent or really anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, show them love. Love makes all the difference.
From,
A Bereaved Mother
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