Confessions of a stay-at-home mom

So my first year as a mom, after Declan was born, I worked full-time and/or was pregnant with the twins.  Thomas stayed at home with D during the day and was a full-time student.  Fortunately we were able to work out our schedules so that one of us was with D all the time.  We did not have to put him in daycare.  Not that there is anything wrong with daycare, but we were glad to be with him at all times and save all that money that would have been spent on childcare.

So fast forward a year.  I am now a stay-at-home mom and Thomas is working full-time while he finishes his degree.

It is not as easy as I thought it would be.  I'm sure I thought staying at home would consist of playing all the time and cuddling with the boys, while I balanced taking care of the household duties.  Yeah.  So the laundry is piling up a bit.  And most of my time consists of defusing random tantrums that Declan throws.  Yesterday my google searches consisted of:

Overactive toddler.
My toddler throws tantrums all the time.
My toddler is acting crazy.
Impossible toddler.

Don't get me wrong, I love staying at home with my boys.  After everything we've been through, I am really cherishing this opportunity.  But it definitely isn't as easy as I thought it would be.  And Declan isn't a bad kid.  He is just a toddler.  And toddlers throw fits and scream sometimes.  And most people with an almost 15 month old don't have a new baby.  And most people with a toddler and new baby aren't grieving the loss of a child.  So there is some added stress.

I feel like the grieving process is taking a new turn too.  It's been a month today since Lucas went to heaven.  And I'm hurting bad.  Last night was, by far, the worst night I've had since the day he passed away.  I went to his garden and cried so hard my throat and head hurt.  My mom was with me and when we stood up to leave we noticed that there were white feathers all over the ground.  My mom said that "when feathers appear, angels are near."  I've never heard of that, but it is apparently a symbol of angels, especially when it's white feathers.

I'll end this post with an adorable picture of Declan.  He was playing outside and evidently did not care for the grass.  He avoided it at all costs, climbing on his toys and standing on my feet to escape from touching it.  Silly boy.  He makes me smile.