How many children do you have?

This is a question that has caused me great anxiety because, yes, it has already been asked several times by people we have just met.

How many children do you have?

I know the answer.  That is not the problem.  I have 3 children.  Two are here and one is in heaven.  It's the look on people's faces and the inevitable questions that follow.

What happened?  How old was he?  How are you doing?  How will you explain it to your other two boys?

Lucas is a beautiful part of our lives.  He always will be.  Lucas struggled a lot.  He was up against a lot.  As a mother, watching your child struggle and not being able to do anything to help him, it's gut-wrenching and painful.  I don't know if I am ready to talk, in detail, about what happened to my sweet boy.  Because it's not just one thing that caused him to pass away.  It was a lot of little and big complications that, together, were too much for his little body to handle.

My family and friends know the details, but am I ready to discuss the details of a traumatic event with people I just meet?  Not yet... Will I ever be ready?  I'm not sure.  My heart aches so much.  It's painful.

And how do you explain this kind of pain?  This kind of anger of losing a precious child?  The anger that my little boy was taken away from me at 76 days when I prayed so hard for him.  I prayed so hard that God would take me instead.  I would have gladly taken Lucas's place.

And as far as explaining what happened to Lucas to my other two boys, I have no idea how we will do it yet.  One thing I do know is that they will hear about their brother often and they will be free to talk about him whenever they wish.  I don't want Declan and Miller to think we can't talk about Lucas because Mommy and Daddy get sad.  Yes, we are sad that Luke isn't here with us anymore, but I want Luke to be remembered and talked about often.  I think one of my biggest fears is that people will forget about Luke.  I like talking about him.  He is a huge part of my life and he always will be.

I have never said I only have 2 children, and I never will.  Lucas is my child.  He may not be here physically, but he will always be my son.  He is my precious son that is in heaven now.  No more pain.  No more hurting.  Perfectly healed and perfectly at rest.  And I will see him again someday.