Some things I've learned about grief

Over the past couple of months, I've learned a lot more about grief than I had ever wanted to know.  I feel that I've had way more challenging experiences than anyone should at the ripe ole' age of 26, although I will say that no one of any age should have to go through losing a child.  I have learned some things about grief along the way.

First, you can't run from grief.  It will sneak up and catch up with you.  No amount of staying busy or sleeping to try to avoid the pain will work forever.  Grief is there waiting on you.

Grief will hit you at seemingly odd times sometimes.  Like at the doctor's office the other day, I completely spazzed out on the checkout lady.  Granted, she was very rude to my mother but I know the real reason that I couldn't control my temper at that moment.

And grief will hit you at obvious times too.  Like when I saw little twin boys out shopping with their parents.  Or when Lucas's grave marker came in and I saw, for the first time, his name along with his birth date and date that he passed away.  Or when I went to pick out some artificial flowers for his grave marker bouquet (thank goodness for the sweet lady who was so very kind to me and made the process as easy as she could).  And it will hit you hard.  Like can't stop crying, shaking, hyperventilating hard.

And possibly one of the worst things about grief- the world keeps on spinning and going on the way it always does.  My world feels like it has stopped.  Sometimes I get angry at our family and even myself for being able to function and go about our daily lives.  I know we have to move forward (not move on, or get over it), but it's hard.

Grief causes things that people say to irritate you.   "I can't even imagine..." We hear this a lot and I don't think it's meant to get on our nerves, but it does.  It's kind of the standard "I-don't-know-what-to-say" answer.  And I have been guilty of this.  I vividly remember saying this to a lady who lost her son just shorty before we lost Lucas.

 or  "It was God's will."  Although we believe God had a plan for Lucas here on earth just for a short time and then he was needed in heaven, this little sentence does not ease any pain.  It just brings up questions.  Well, why was it God's will for my child to die?  Why, when we prayed so hard and begged God to let us keep Luke, did He take him away?  Questions that we may never know this answer to, this side of heaven.

or  "At least you have 2 other children."  which is sometimes accompanied by "You're young, you can have more children."  Luke can never be replaced with another child.  And yes, we are thankful for the 2 other children that we have but we are still hurting and grieving for our 3rd child.  And although we are young, we are probably not planning on having more children for several reasons.

Here's hoping that this stage of grief gets somewhat better soon.  I'm ready to stop feeling sadness and guilt and anxiety all the time.