I will post later about our Easter and include cute pictures of Declan and Miller, of course. But for now, I will write about some thoughts that have been on my heart lately.
I had a (well meaning) family member say to me, when talking about how much I miss Lucas, that I should just be grateful for what I have here. This person did not say this meaning to be hurtful, but it did hurt.
I'm not sure why people think that me being grateful for my boys here will diminish the pain of losing Lucas. Trust me when I say I am thankful for Declan and Miller and their health. I know all too well how quickly it can all be gone.
I am still distraught over losing Lucas. I lost my son. I lost a piece of my heart, forever. I try to be positive and have faith, but some days I just can't. I can't think of a reason why my two month old baby boy was called home to be with Jesus. I begged God to let me keep him. I wanted that baby. I prayed for that baby. I would have done anything, anything for him to be healed here on earth with me. I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat. I would have cut my own lung out of my chest if it could have saved him.
As a parent who has lost a child, you never get over it. You never stop grieving completely. There's always going to be a piece of you that is changed and things will never quite be the same again. I'm a different mother now. And it's not all good changes in my parenting. I do cherish my children more now than I ever have. But I'm terrified of something happening to them now. Some nights I stay up and watch them breathe, just to make sure they are okay. I cannot separate little things from big things, thus me taking them to the doctor for every little thing. I live in a constant state of fear and panic of the "what ifs?" What if something happens to them while they are sleeping? What if they get sick? What if....?
The list truly could go on forever.
I'm hurting. Thomas is hurting. Some days we may seem like we are doing okay, but the truth is that we aren't. Sometimes it's just easier to not talk about our hurt, because sometimes people inadvertently say something that stings. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism.
For me, I grieve very privately. I do not often open up to a lot of people about the depth of my feelings. Perhaps it's because I have a small group of friends that I trust completely with my heart, and those friends always come through for me. I tend to reserve my deepest conversations for them.
Maybe this post is a little bit on the depressing side, but the honest truth is that I'm not feeling very positive right now. I'm feeling down. Tomorrow is the twins' birthday and I don't even know how to begin to process it all. I have no idea how to juggle the joy of Miller overcoming the odds to be here with the sadness of Lucas not being here. It's confusing to me.
I can say that the most comforting thing anyone has done thus far is sent me a text message letting me know they are thinking about me and that they know tomorrow is going to be both joyful and hard. It means the world to me that someone acknowledges our pain. And more importantly, that they acknowledge that tomorrow is Miller's birthday and Lucas' birthday.
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