MY kid won't act like that....

So we were out running some errands one day and stopped at a store to get some additional babyproofing items.  A couple of aisles over, a lady had a cart full of toys and screaming toddlers.  I felt sympathy for her.  I really did.  Which is why I was surprised when an employee turned to me and said, "If those were my kids, I would not be buying them any toys!  Children should not throw tantrums like that!"

Ok, do I condone and support bad behavior?  No.  Discipline is necessary.  However, anyone who has a toddler knows that sometimes they just go crazy for no reason at all or for completely random reasons.  Yesterday, at the doctor's office Declan had a serious meltdown because I would not let him eat his band-aid.  Seriously.

I just kind of half-smiled at this employee.  I asked her if she had any kids.  She smiled and said she had a newborn daughter and she will never act like that.  Been there, done that.  Oh well.  Live and learn, right?  I have to say, I'm much less judgmental about others people's children now that I'm a mother.

MY kid will always look cute and never have sticky hands.

MY kid will never scream in public.

MY kid will learn great sleeping habits and won't struggle with naptime.

MY kid will certainly be a child prodigy and learn piano, pythagorean theorem, and Mandarin Chinese... by age 2.

I have said all of those.  Ok, maybe not the last one.  Do my kids always look like they just walked out of a Gymboree ad?  No.  They have sticky hands at times.  Declan sometimes screams in public like it's his job.  The naptime issues are slowly resolving and becoming much easier, but it's taken us 6 months to get there.

But it's ok.  My kids are loved.  Random people who might judge my parenting while Declan is screaming at Target probably don't know our family's struggle.  They don't know we lost one of our beautiful sons.  They don't know the tragedy and heartache we've been through.  Maybe if they did, they would understand that Declan picks up on stuff and knows something isn't right.  And he acts out sometimes because of it.

I know I am far less likely to judge people now.  You just never know what someone is going through.

Feathers

After seeing white feathers everywhere I go, I googled the meaning behind feathers.  Evidently feathers are a sign of angels.  "When feathers appear, angels are near."

I have been having a rough week.  I have cried a lot.  I have done a lot of questioning.  Why did God take my little boy away from me?  Why couldn't he be healed here on earth? ....

This morning, my husband opened the front door and told me to look outside.  Right outside the front door, in the middle of the doorway, was a big, beautiful, perfect white feather.  I like to think that it was a sign from heaven that Lucas is ok and happy.

4 months

This little guy is 4 months old today!

We had his 4 month old check-up this morning.  Little man now weighs 10 lbs 9 oz and is 22 inches long.  He is still in size 1 diapers and 3 month size clothing.  He rolled over for the first time yesterday during tummy time.  His doctor says developmentally he is around where a 3 month old should be, so that's ahead of schedule for him.  His corrected age (from his due date and what doctors go by until 2 years of age for preemies) is 1 and 1/2 months.

We have been given to ok to begin using rice cereal in his nighttime bottle.  His doctor says this should help with his acid reflux and maybe even help him sleep better.  Speaking of sleep, he is now sleeping 5 hour stretches most nights.  He is more active and awake during the days now.  He loves when we talk to him.  He will smile and coo at us.

Miller loves to cuddle.  He is very content when someone is holding him.

He is now completely on formula and eating 4 oz every 3-4 hours, except at night when he goes about 5 hours between feedings.

Flu and RSV season are coming up, so soon we will be cooping up at home for the winter and early spring.  RSV is very serious for preemies since their lungs are more immature and continuing to develop.  Luckily, Miller has been approved to receive the RSV shot which greatly decreases his chances of getting it.  Speaking of being cooped up, we have been sticking around home lately due to a recent outbreak of whooping cough (pertussis) in our zip code.  Raising a preemie comes with a lot more precautions, but we will do whatever we have to do to keep Miller man safe.

Declan has taken a recent interest in Miller, wanting to hold him and kiss his head.  It's super cute.  We don't let him hold him, but we help him put his arms around Miller and he will lean over and give him a kiss.  I have been trying to capture a picture of it, but I never get my camera ready in time.  I love my boys.  I am so blessed.

Brothers

Precious.  Love them so much.

Thursday randoms

*We finally have internet in our new place!  Woo hoo!  I guess I didn't realize how much we use internet throughout our day.  It's nice to have it back.

*I'm really digging the new Katy Perry song, "Roar."  It's catchy.  In fact, I have the song stuck in my head right now and am humming it.

*With all our baby equipment (swings, monitors, bouncers, etc.), we are going through a lot of batteries.  Just bought a new pack of batteries for the baby monitor.  I hate spending money on batteries, much like I hate spending money on gas.  Bought that today too.

*I'm SUPER excited that my best friend Katie is coming in town for a visit.  Seriously love this girl so much.  She was my maid of honor and is always there for me.  After I told her that Lucas went to heaven, she immediately booked a flight and was here for the funeral.  Awesome, right?  And it's not easy for her to take off at the drop of a hat.  She's a CPA for a great company.  She's pretty important.

*Miller is starting to smile, laugh, and coo at us a lot.  So flippin cute.

See?  Cute, huh?

*I have no desire to cook anymore.  I used to enjoy it.  Pinterest has me sad because my dinners never quite turn out the way they are supposed to.  They are pinstrosities.  Especially my attempt at cake batter fudge.  It turned out looking like soap.  Yes, soap.  Not very appetizing.

*I had my first grief counseling appointment yesterday.  It went well and I will write a more in depth post about it soon.

How many children do you have?

This is a question that has caused me great anxiety because, yes, it has already been asked several times by people we have just met.

How many children do you have?

I know the answer.  That is not the problem.  I have 3 children.  Two are here and one is in heaven.  It's the look on people's faces and the inevitable questions that follow.

What happened?  How old was he?  How are you doing?  How will you explain it to your other two boys?

Lucas is a beautiful part of our lives.  He always will be.  Lucas struggled a lot.  He was up against a lot.  As a mother, watching your child struggle and not being able to do anything to help him, it's gut-wrenching and painful.  I don't know if I am ready to talk, in detail, about what happened to my sweet boy.  Because it's not just one thing that caused him to pass away.  It was a lot of little and big complications that, together, were too much for his little body to handle.

My family and friends know the details, but am I ready to discuss the details of a traumatic event with people I just meet?  Not yet... Will I ever be ready?  I'm not sure.  My heart aches so much.  It's painful.

And how do you explain this kind of pain?  This kind of anger of losing a precious child?  The anger that my little boy was taken away from me at 76 days when I prayed so hard for him.  I prayed so hard that God would take me instead.  I would have gladly taken Lucas's place.

And as far as explaining what happened to Lucas to my other two boys, I have no idea how we will do it yet.  One thing I do know is that they will hear about their brother often and they will be free to talk about him whenever they wish.  I don't want Declan and Miller to think we can't talk about Lucas because Mommy and Daddy get sad.  Yes, we are sad that Luke isn't here with us anymore, but I want Luke to be remembered and talked about often.  I think one of my biggest fears is that people will forget about Luke.  I like talking about him.  He is a huge part of my life and he always will be.

I have never said I only have 2 children, and I never will.  Lucas is my child.  He may not be here physically, but he will always be my son.  He is my precious son that is in heaven now.  No more pain.  No more hurting.  Perfectly healed and perfectly at rest.  And I will see him again someday.

New place!

I have been a little absent lately because we just moved into a new apartment.  We love our new place.  It's such a nice apartment!  Luckily our apartment is on the first floor.  And luckily our upstairs neighbors aren't too loud, although they like to walk around their apartment very early in the morning.  Oh well.  With two kiddos to take care of, I'm usually up by 7 anyway.

We don't have internet yet.  Feels like we are living in the stone ages.  We won't be able to get internet or cable until Friday.  Whatever did we do without it?  I'm finding myself reading a lot during the little downtime that I get.

So once we get internet, I will be updating more frequently!

First day of Mother's Day Out

It was this cute boy's first day of Mother's Day Out Program.  He had a blast!  He cried loudly for a bit when I took him in, but he quickly warmed up to his new teachers.  They said he made friends with a little girl in his class named Piper and they talked jibberish to each other all day.  How cute is that?!

They were also impressed that he ate every last bite of his lunch.  No surprise to me though.  Declan loves to eat.

He colored his very first picture for his mommy today.

Yes, I teared up a bit.  And, yes, it is already hanging on the refrigerator waiting for a proper picture frame.  What can I say?  I am a proud mommy.

Can we also talk about these moms who have small children and somehow manage to look fantastic all the time?  Clearly they must know some secret that I do not.  I am lucky if I manage to look semi-decent.  I usually go out wearing yoga pants, whatever shirt is clean, hair pulled back in a ponytail, and no make-up. ( See first picture.)  And this is after I spent half an hour showering, trying to dry my hair,  and successfully straightening exactly one half of my hair before I have Miller crying and Declan trying to lick the dog.

Maybe someday I will go somewhere looking like I didn't just roll out of bed but until then, it's a ponytail and yoga pants for me.

Confessions of a stay-at-home mom

So my first year as a mom, after Declan was born, I worked full-time and/or was pregnant with the twins.  Thomas stayed at home with D during the day and was a full-time student.  Fortunately we were able to work out our schedules so that one of us was with D all the time.  We did not have to put him in daycare.  Not that there is anything wrong with daycare, but we were glad to be with him at all times and save all that money that would have been spent on childcare.

So fast forward a year.  I am now a stay-at-home mom and Thomas is working full-time while he finishes his degree.

It is not as easy as I thought it would be.  I'm sure I thought staying at home would consist of playing all the time and cuddling with the boys, while I balanced taking care of the household duties.  Yeah.  So the laundry is piling up a bit.  And most of my time consists of defusing random tantrums that Declan throws.  Yesterday my google searches consisted of:

Overactive toddler.
My toddler throws tantrums all the time.
My toddler is acting crazy.
Impossible toddler.

Don't get me wrong, I love staying at home with my boys.  After everything we've been through, I am really cherishing this opportunity.  But it definitely isn't as easy as I thought it would be.  And Declan isn't a bad kid.  He is just a toddler.  And toddlers throw fits and scream sometimes.  And most people with an almost 15 month old don't have a new baby.  And most people with a toddler and new baby aren't grieving the loss of a child.  So there is some added stress.

I feel like the grieving process is taking a new turn too.  It's been a month today since Lucas went to heaven.  And I'm hurting bad.  Last night was, by far, the worst night I've had since the day he passed away.  I went to his garden and cried so hard my throat and head hurt.  My mom was with me and when we stood up to leave we noticed that there were white feathers all over the ground.  My mom said that "when feathers appear, angels are near."  I've never heard of that, but it is apparently a symbol of angels, especially when it's white feathers.

I'll end this post with an adorable picture of Declan.  He was playing outside and evidently did not care for the grass.  He avoided it at all costs, climbing on his toys and standing on my feet to escape from touching it.  Silly boy.  He makes me smile.

3 month check-up

Miller,

You are 3 months old as of July 22.  I can't believe how fast you are growing.  You had your 3 month check-up last week.  You weighed a whopping 8 lbs 9 oz!  When we brought you home on June 13, you only weighed 5 lbs 4 oz.  You definitely take this eating stuff seriously.

Speaking of eating, you are now eating 3 oz every 3-4 hours.  You are taking a combination of breast milk and formula for sensitive stomachs.

You have acid reflux pretty bad.  Poor little guy.  You arch your back a lot and cry after feedings.  You were on Zantac twice a day, but your doctor just switched you to Omeprazole twice a day.  We have tried a couple of different formulas and you seem to like Similac Sensitive.

You went to physical therapy for the first time last week and did very well.  I expected you to cry a lot, but you didn't seem to mind it very much.

We had an eventful night on Sunday.  You had been projectile vomiting several times over the weekend, so we decided to take you to the minor med to get it checked out.  Everything was fine.  The doctor just thought it might be a combination of transitioning from breast milk to formula, reflux, and over-eating at times.

You are still in newborn diapers, although you are almost ready for size 1.  After we get through this last box of newborn sizes we will move you up to the next size.  You are still in newborn size onesies and shirts.  You recently moved up to size 3 months in pants because your legs are so long!  It won't be too long until you are in 3 month onesies too.

Your favorite thing to do is cuddle with mommy and look at the painting above the couch.  Anything with a lot of colors gets your attention.  You like to be on the go constantly.  You love riding in the car and the stroller.  At home, you liked to be rocked or in the swing.  You have recently starting smiling at us when we smile at you and it is so sweet and cute!

We love you so much little Miller man.

A new chapter

For those who have followed our other blog The Twin Life, you are pretty familiar with what's been going on in our family.  For those who have not followed our other blog, here is a brief (somewhat) history of our family.

Thomas and I met in August of 2008 at a mutual friend's wedding.  After a few months of long distance communication (he was in the Army and stationed in Italy), I took a huge leap of faith and flew out to Italy to visit him.  It was in beautiful Italy that we decided to get engaged on February 16, 2009 and start planning a wedding.  We had planned to get married sometime the following winter, but the Army had other plans.

We soon learned that Thomas would be deploying to Afghanistan that winter, so we moved up our wedding date to July 10, 2009.

After our wedding, I moved to Italy and we traveled a lot!  Venice, Rome, France... We had a wonderful time traveling as newlyweds.  Just 5 months after getting married, Thomas served a year long deployment in Afghanistan.

When he returned home, we decided we wanted to fulfill our dreams of starting a family.  Months went by and so did several negative pregnancy tests.  After about a year of trying for a baby, we began fertility testing.  After a procedure, we found out we would be expecting our first little bundle of joy in the spring of 2012.

I had a difficult pregnancy, suffering from severe hyperemesis gravidarum.  I was throwing up nearly 15 times a day for 9 months straight.

On May 29, 2012, we welcomed our first son, Declan, into the world.  He was a full-term, 8 lb baby boy!

Just 5 months after Declan was born, we got a big surprise.  We were expecting again.  And this time, with twins!  I had an even rougher pregnancy this go-around, suffering yet again from hyperemesis gravidarum and also polyhydramnios.  We learned early in the pregnancy that there were complications with one of the babies (Baby B, who would be named Lucas).

We were told that he almost certainly had a chromosomal abnormality and a heart defect, among other things.  We were asked if we wanted to continue the pregnancy.  We did.  We were asked to consider options for giving Baby A (who would be named Miller) a better chance at surviving, at the cost of Baby B.  We were clear that we wanted both babies.  We wanted to give both babies a chance.

On April 22, 2013 I went into preterm labor at just 29 weeks into the pregnancy.  Labor could not be stopped with magnesium sulfate, so an emergency c-section was performed.  Miller James was born first at 4:52 p.m., weighing 3 lbs 6 oz.  Lucas Rolland was born just seconds later, weighing a tiny 2 lbs 8 oz.  Both boys were immediately sent to the NICU.

Miller James.  (Sonya Balentine Photography)

Lucas Rolland. (Sonya Balentine Photography)

The next day, Lucas was transported to the children's hospital here in town for emergency surgery on a perforated bowel.  He pulled through surgery like a champ.  It was at this hospital that we learned that Lucas had esophageal atresia, a tracheoesophageal fistula, and an under-developed right lung.  For 11 weeks he fought valiantly against infection after infection, chronic lung disease, and pulmonary hypertension.

On July 7, 2013, our sweet Lucas went to be with Jesus.  He passed away in our arms, with us telling him how much we love him and that we would see him again in heaven someday.  He fought so hard and we will always be proud of his fighter spirit.  Our world changed forever that day and we will never be the same again.

Miller spent 7 1/2 weeks in the NICU.  He was diagnosed with stage 1 NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis), which is a serious and sometimes fatal infection of the gut.  Thankfully all he needed was antibiotics and surgery was not required.

We are now adjusting to this new chapter in our lives.  We are thankful we got to spend 76 beautiful days with Lucas.  We will cherish them always.  We are thankful that God blessed us with 3 beautiful sons.

So here is our new chapter.