Christmas 2013

Although this Christmas was hard because Lucas isn't here with us, I was telling my family that Christmas means more to me this year than it ever has.  Because of Jesus, I will get to see my baby boy again someday.  That right there is reason for me to celebrate, even on days when it is hard to breathe because I'm missing Lucas so much.  And just think of what kind of Christmas Lucas is having, celebrating with Jesus!  That being said, my heart still aches for my sweet son.  It always will.

Lucas got a special ornament this year.

Declan loved opening up his gifts this year.  His Thomas the Tank toy from his uncle Ryan is one of his favorites.

Miller didn't quite know what to think.

Love his little outfit with a tie!  It was Declan's outfit from last year.

Miller got an exersaucer.  He was pretty amazed by the toys on it. 

Another favorite present- a radio flyer wagon from the boys' Nana.  I can't wait to take the boys on walks and to the zoo in this!

Declan got some wheels!  He got an adorable little car that I can push him in or take off the handle and he can "drive" himself.  We went on 3 walks today with it and he was practically begging for more.  

All in all, it was a good Christmas.  A bittersweet one.

We wish a very Merry Christmas to all!

Dear Friend, From a Bereaved Mother

Dear Friend,

The loss of a child is truly devastating.  Heart breaking, gut wrenching, devastating.  Whether it be a loss due to miscarriage, stillborn, death of a small baby, a child, or an adult child, when you lose your child you lose a piece of you.  You will never be the same.  I would never wish this pain on anyone.

Some people help ease the pain.  Some inflict more.  Many people ask "How can I be a friend to you at a time like this?"  Most people don't know what to say.  That's okay.  It's okay to say "I don't know what to say."  Personally I would prefer this response over avoidance of the subject or a cliche "right thing to say."  It's also okay to say "I'm sorry, this sucks and I hurt for you."  Honestly there is no right thing to say, so don't worry about saying the perfect right thing.

Don't be afraid to say my child's name to me or to talk about him.  I know people are scared of making me sad, but the truth is I will always be sad over losing my son.  But I also have joy in my life too.  My son brought me joy and happiness and I want to remember those times.  I love talking about my precious boy.  I don't want to avoid the subject of him.  I want to talk about him.  It's okay to bring him up in conversation.

Remember that grief doesn't expire.  I may seem like I'm living a normal life these days and I may even smile or laugh, but I'm still grieving.  Grief is different for everyone.  For me, I grieve privately.  I don't often break down or cry in front of other people.  You may see me out and about with a smile on my face but what you don't see is me sobbing alone at home, desperately wishing I could be rocking my son to sleep instead of visiting his grave.

Be understanding as I travel on this unthinkable journey.  I am going to have good days.  I am going to have bad days.  Certain things will trigger strong memories and emotions.  A song, a date, the smell of the hand sanitizer used in hospitals, etc.

And speaking of dates, help me remember the special dates.  The day I first got to hold Lucas, his birthday, the day I found out we were expecting twins.  These are all special to me.  Understand that some dates will be painful.  The day Lucas passed away.  The day he was buried.   Those days will be hard for the rest of my life.

Know that sometimes the small things can mean the most.  Not every act of kindness has to be big.  One of the most endearing and sweetest things a friend did was come over to my house and just sit with me.  My friend Abbey came over as soon as she heard and let me cry and cried with me.  She was there to support me, not to fix things.

Now, everyone is different and I know that not every bereaved parent feels the same way about things as I do.  I really do think the two things that most bereaved parents feel the same about are that their child is and always will be important, loved, and cherished to them and for people to respect the way they grieve.

If you know a bereaved parent or really anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, show them love.  Love makes all the difference.

From,
A Bereaved Mother

Friday randoms

We had a house guest this week for a couple of days.  A sweet black lab named Jack.  Declan loved him, as you can see in this picture.  Those two were so cute together, running around and playing.

I've been wanting a good picture of me with the boys.  Easier said than done.  This picture was the best out of the dozen that we took.  Haha.  Maybe this Sunday we will get a good one.  We are all going to church together and the boys have new Christmas outfits.

I took both boys to the pediatrician today, with the help of my mom (thank goodness!).  Miller got his RSV shot and flu shot.  And Declan got a flu shot and the two vaccines that they were out of at his 18 month checkup.  So now Declan is up to date on vaccines and doesn't have to get anymore until age 5.

Miller had a physical therapy appointment today and it went well.  His PT hasn't seen him in about a month and she said she can see some improvements.  Made me feel good since I work with him every day.  Miller has infant torticollis.  Declan had this too, as an infant.  Basically it means that the muscle that connect the breastbone and collarbone to the skull is very tight and they tend to tilt their heads because of the tightness.  Declan went through 2 rounds of physical therapy and it eventually corrected.  Miller will see a PT once a week and be assessed for a head shaping helmet.  Because babies with torticollis tilt their heads, they tend to favor one side and the pressure from turning a certain way for so long can cause a flat spot on the back of their heads.  Miller's head is rounding out more now since he is sitting up more and prefers to lay on his tummy, therefore relieving some pressure off the back of his head.  We will still have an assessment to see if a head shaping helmet will benefit him.  I read somewhere that roughly 1 in 250 babies have torticollis and BOTH of mine do.  My dad had it too.  It's interesting.


This little guy is growing so much!  I've noticed that it's getting harder to carry him in his carseat because he is getting so heavy!  Today at the doctor, he weighed in at 17 lbs.

Happy Friday!

Some honest thoughts and feelings

Today I saw a picture of newborn twins on Facebook.  Healthy newborn twins.  I am so happy these twins are healthy and were born at a good gestational age.  I'm not sure how many weeks but I know it's over 32 weeks, so that's a good milestone for twins.

It made me break down sobbing.  I wish so bad that I had both of my little twinkies here cuddling with me.  I began doing the questioning.  If I had been on bedrest, would that have made me stay pregnant longer and not go into preterm labor?  Why did Lucas' lung not develop properly?  Why did he have all these things to struggle with?....

I think I could wonder, and probably will wonder, these questions for the rest of my life.  Questions I will never have the answers to.

The truth is that I can't look at twins without my heart breaking, especially boy twins.  I never wanted to say something like this because I wanted to seem like I am handling things with grace and strength.

The truth is that, although my doctor said it's perfectly healthy for us to have another baby, we don't see that happening because we are terrified of losing another child.

The truth is that last month when both of my boys were sick with a bad virus (think fever of 104+ with Declan), I absolutely panicked and couldn't even think straight because I am so anxious these days.  It didn't help that Declan was admitted to the ER at the same hospital that Miller and Lucas were at.  Lots of memories flooded back, some good and some bad.

The truth is that grief doesn't expire.  I think of Lucas constantly.  I wonder if he knows how much he is loved and will always be loved.  I wonder if he knows how very much he changed our lives and that we are so thankful for his precious life.  I wonder if he knows how much I fought for him, even when we were told that he would never make it through the pregnancy to be born.  I wonder if he knows that although he was born facing issues from the very start, he was absolutely perfect to me.  He was beautiful and perfect and I fell in love the very first time I saw him on ultrasound.

Life Lately

Wow, just realized I haven't written in a while.  Not a whole lot of exciting things have happened lately.  We have just been getting ready for the Christmas season.  Thanksgiving was a hard day for all of us.  We have much to be thankful for, but we were missing Lucas extra bad that day.

I am thankful for Lucas' life and the 76 beautiful days he spent with us.  I am thankful that God chose me, out of everyone in this world, to be that sweet boy's mother.  I am thankful that, because we know Jesus, we will see Lucas again.  I am thankful for my 2 boys here, and all the joy and laughter they bring us.  I am thankful for the family and friends who have been there for us through the nightmare of losing a child.

Over the past few weeks this little guy turned 7 months old.

Gosh.  Where is the time going?  He is hitting his milestones, somewhere between his actual age and adjusted age.  He is not as far behind as he could be, but he is not where a 7 month old should be developmentally.  This is to be expected of a preemie.  His adjusted age is almost 5 months (age from his due date).

He is starting to enjoy baby food more.  He has had bananas, green beans, and prunes so far.  Prunes have been his favorite, as well as the messiest and most likely to stain his clothes!

He has been rolling over both ways for a couple of months now.  His recent developmental milestone is reaching up and holding toys.

He is still sleeping very well at night, usually 7-8 hour stretches.  His naps are becoming more predicable too.  He is getting himself on a nap schedule.  He is consistently taking 6 oz bottles and sometimes wants a little bit more.  He is in size 3 diapers and wearing 6-9 month clothing.  The boy is growing fast!

Last week we took the boys to see Santa.  I expected this to be a disaster since Declan isn't too fond of strangers and gets shy.  He wasn't thrilled about it, but he cooperated enough for a picture, so I consider that a victory.

These two boys are so much fun.  They really love each other a lot.  Declan is always wanting to hold Miller, although Miller is half his size now!  Miller thinks Declan is hilarious.  Sometimes I will look over at them and they are laughing about something and once they see me, they stop and get serious again.  I guess they already have some sort of inside joke.

Yesterday, my mom and I took Declan to Build-A-Bear to pick out and build a new teddy bear.  He immediately gets excited over all the "woof woofs."  Yup.  My crazy boy calls ALL stuffed animals "woof woof" regardless of what kind of animal they are.  Even his Spiderman stuffed toy is a woof woof.   Here is the new Woof Woof.  Yoda bear.  So cute.  I love being a mommy of boys.

How our story is continuing

Over the past few months I have stumbled across several blogs about people who have lost a child, have had babies in the NICU, sick children, or have struggled with some hardship or another.  My favorite blogs to read are the ones where I see how their lives continue after facing tragedy.

Something that has been very obvious to me is that God is continuing to reveal himself to us day after day.  One of the most powerful things I have read is that there is no human experience that God himself has not suffered, even losing a child (Tim Keller, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering).

We hear over and over again how strong we are.  I can truly say that it's not our strength that is getting us through this.  It is the strength of our Savior.  People may see that we are doing more things now and getting out more.  What they don't see is us crying at night, wishing more than anything that we could hold Lucas and kiss him good-night.  They don't see the scars and the pain of knowing we will never get to see that sweet boy smile or walk or go to kindergarten or get married.  And we grieve for that every single moment of every single day.

It is not my strength.  It is the strength of my God.  I would be lost without it.

We know we want to continue to honor our son's life by doing good for other people.  We know we want to share his story, the story of the bravest and strongest person I have ever known.

And that's why I continue to blog.  So that, on the days when I'm finding it hard to even breathe, I can look back and see how God is sustaining us.  And how our story, and Lucas' story, continues.

Pumpkin patch and Halloween

Last week we made a spur of the moment decision to go to a pumpkin patch.  I didn't really have any plans of attempting to carve a pumpkin with a toddler running around.  The whole idea seemed pointless to me.  However, I decided maybe the process of picking out a pumpkin would be fun for Declan.

So off we went to a small family owned farm pumpkin patch.  We first ate lunch as a family for the first time in a long time.

Me and my Miller man.  This boy is growing so fast and getting so big!

After lunch we went to a pumpkin patch and picked out some pumpkins (that we never got around to carving... oh well.)  We also picked out a pumpkin for Lucas and took it to his garden.

Boo Boo saw this car and immediately made a bee line for it.  We had a hard time getting him to come out so we could go home.  Guess we know what will be on his Christmas list this year!

Halloween was messy and rainy this year.  We went to my parents' neighbor's house for a Halloween party.  Declan was cute little pirate and Miller was an adorable fox.

My goodness, that sweet little face!  This little guy has me completely wrapped around his little finger!

We took the Dread Pirate Declan trick-or-treating for the first time.  He was not so interested in the process, but very interested in the candy, especially Kit-Kats.

Family pic.

And I will leave you with the above picture- Declan reaching in the crib to hold Miller's hand.  Makes my heart melt!

Being thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I really do.  I have experienced heartache beyond belief, but I have also experienced love and miracles beyond belief.  Lucas is one of those miracles.

Lately I have been having a lot of flashbacks to the day he went to be with Jesus.

Last night, while Tom was carrying a sleeping Miller to his crib, I leaned over and kissed Miller's forehead.  I was instantly flooded with memories.  One of the last things I did before Lucas passed away was hold him close and kiss his forehead.

I'm thankful I got to do that.  I'm thankful that we were holding Lucas and kissing him and telling him we love him.  I'm thankful and honored that God let me hold Lucas when he went from my arms to Jesus's arms.  I'm thankful that God chose me to be Lucas's mother.  Out of all the people in the world, He chose me to be this amazing and beautiful boy's mother.

I'm thankful for the 76 precious days I got to spend with Lucas.  I wanted more.  I begged God for more, but I'm thankful that I got 76 when I was told I wouldn't have any.

Something else I'm so so thankful for?

I'm thankful that because I know Jesus, I get to spend eternity with Him and with Lucas.  I will see my baby boy again.  Some days that hope is the only thing that gets me through the day.

Thankful for the hope we have in Jesus.

Ready to get up and exercise

It's no secret to family and close friends that I absolutely hated having a c-section.  I was aware from the start of the pregnancy that a c-section was a possibility, given the fact that I was carrying twins.  Throughout the pregnancy one or both babies was breech at almost every ultrasound, so that increased the chances even more.  When we found out that I had polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid surrounding the babies) and that could mean the cords coming out before the babies, it was pretty much a given that a c-section was necessary before my water broke.

The recovery was long and painful and an added stress to an already stressful situation of having two preemies in the NICU.  My feet were swollen so bad that I couldn't even wear flip flops without them cutting into my feet.  I've heard that emergency c-sections can pose a rougher recovery.  I believe this had a lot to do with it.  I was in labor, without any pain meds, for 7 hours before I had a c-section.  And the goal was to get the babies out as quickly as possible, so there was a lot of pulling and tugging hard to pull my muscles apart during surgery.

But it was done for a reason and it probably saved the twins' lives and mine.

Fast forward 6 months and the c-section belly pooch is still there.  I have lost all the baby weight but I have not lost the belly pooch.  And it bothers me a lot.

I'm okay having to move up a pants size.  It actually makes it easier to find jeans that are long enough.  But I feel very self conscious about the pooch.

I know that I haven't made the best choices with food lately.  One too many spoonfuls of Nutella (my goodness that stuff is good!) and a few too many sodas.

But I'm ready to start eating (and drinking) better and start exercising.  I'm sure that a full blown Crossfit style exercise program isn't feasible with my lifestyle right now, but a walk with the boys and some post-natal yoga are.

So I'm raising my glass (of nice, healthy water) to making healthier decisions.  Belly pooch, be gone!

Traveling as newlyweds

Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic and looking though pictures from when Thomas and I first got married.  Thomas was in the Army and stationed in Italy at the time so we did a lot of traveling as newlyweds.  Most of our travels were throughout Italy but we did venture to France and Monaco.

In front of the Duomo in Milan.  One of our favorite cities in Italy- great people, great food, and great shopping!

Taking some pictures in the Milan train station while waiting for our train.

On our second trip to Venice together we stayed for several days and took a romantic gondola ride.  I thought I would fall into the water getting in the gondola!  We took a tour of the Venice canals and saw Marco Polo's house, Casanova's house, the Rialto Bridge, and so much more.

Oh how I love Venice.  It's my favorite city in the whole world.  So beautiful and whimsical.  

We took our honeymoon in Nice, France.  Such a beautiful city on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea.  The views on the train ride there, along the Amalfi coast, were spectacular.

The Russian Cathedral in Nice.

Nice is just a short train ride away from Monte Carlo, Monaco so we took a trip to the Grand Casino.  Pictures don't do it justice.  It is majestic.  I wish we had gone during the day because Monte Carlo is beautiful and we didn't go anywhere other than the Grand Casino.  

One of the smaller, lesser known cities in Italy that we visited was Soave.  It is a beautiful, quaint little town located within castle walls.  We walked up the path and explored the castle.  The picture above was our view at the bottom on the path.

This picture was our view from the top of the castle.  It was very windy that day.

Another favorite trip was to Verona.  This is the city where "Romeo and Juliet" takes place.  In the picture above is where, in my opinion, the best view of the city is.  We had just gotten there after it had POURED rain.  We were soaked.

Juliet's balcony in Verona.  There's a wall on the way there where couples write their names.  Tom and I wrote our names on the wall along with thousands of couples from all over the world.  The people in the picture were smarter than us and brought umbrellas.

Tom's favorite trip was to Rome.  Rome was awesome, although I felt very overwhelmed because there is a TON to do and see there.  We hit all the big stuff- Colosseum, Trevi Fountain, Sistine Chapel, Vatican City,  and the Spanish Steps.  Also had the best pizza EVER.

Trevi Fountain.  Seriously breathtaking.  Pictures don't do it justice.  It is huge!

Now that we have kids, traveling is a bit harder and will be focused more on kid friendly trips like Disney.  Someday, though, I would love to take our boys to Italy and show them all these great places.

6 months

6 months ago today our twin boys were born, bringing so much joy to our lives.  The past 6 months have been full of joy, grieving, fear, faith, and compassion.

We certainly are not the same people we were 6 months ago.  We have learned a lot and experienced a lot. Lucas and Miller (and Declan too, of course) have made us better people.  Better parents.  As a parent, you always think of what you want to teach your children.  What is interesting and amazing is how much they teach us.

6 months ago, almost to the hour, our sweet twins entered this world.  And our hearts grew that much more.
Happy half-birthday Miller man.  Your little smile and sweetness makes my heart melt daily.

My precious Lucas, happy half-birthday baby.  I hope you're having a little birthday party in heaven.  Tell Jesus to give you lots of hugs today since Mommy can't.  We love you so much.

Nicknames

I hated my childhood nickname that my dad gave me.  I can't believe I'm even considering revealing it here.  Somewhere along the way, I was nicknamed after Betty Boop and my dad always called me Boop or Booper.  I don't hate it as much now but I dreaded when he would call me by my nickname in public.

My mom nicknamed me Lucy.  I always thought it was because I loved the show "I Love Lucy" but she said I had that nickname long before I ever watched it.

My boys have all sorts of nicknames already.  Sometimes I have to make it a point to call Declan by his actual name so that he knows that is his name.

Declan's nicknames all revolve around Boo.  I have called him Boo Boo since he was a newborn.  That led to Boo Man, Boo Monster, Boo Bear, and Boo Berry.  I'm sure he will hate these nicknames when he is older.

Miller's nicknames are Miller Man, Mills, Miller Moo, Moo Moo, and Moo Monster.  Again, I'm sure he will hate these.  He especially gets called Moo Moo a lot and it has sparked a cow theme with the little guy.  He is going to be a cow for Halloween this year if I can find a costume in his size.  If not, he will go as a cow next year.  And his next car seat is going to have a little bit of cow print on it.

I always called Lucas my little monkey because he would wrap his arms and legs around things in his isolette like a little baby monkey.  It was so precious.  We bought him a lot of monkey stuff and we are going to put it in a memory box.  I called him Luke a lot too, although I'm really the only one in the family who called him that.

I like nicknames.  I never like mine, but they're starting to grow on me the older I get.  I hope my boys eventually like their nicknames too.

A 5k and a little Glee

This past weekend Declan and I participated in a 5k benefiting the hospital where Miller and Lucas were at.

Declan, of course, looks thrilled like he does in all pictures.  I'm not sure why he NEVER smiles for pictures considering he is pretty happy and smiley the rest of the time.

3.1 miles seems shorter than it is.  I was feeling it a lot towards the last 1/2 mile or so.  Of course that was the most exercise I've done since the twins were born.  Declan got grumpy towards the end too but that was mostly related to a new tooth coming through.  He has been cutting a molar for a couple of days now.  The first night was miserable for him.  He was up every hour or so screaming and chewing on his hand.  I felt so bad for my baby.  The next night I was better prepared with ibuprofen and orajel and he slept better.

We have been recording and slowly watching our favorite TV shows when time and kiddos permit.  We love Once Upon a Time, The Voice, New Girl, Parks and Recreation, and The Big Bang Theory.  I tried to watch Glee but the last episode was too much for me.  When Finn's mom started talking about how parents go on when they've lost a child... it was too heartbreaking and hit too close to home.

Now that Declan's teething pain is better, the hubs is sick with flu like symptoms.  He started feeling pretty bad yesterday and today he stayed home from work which is very unusual for him.  I'm hoping that me and the boys don't come down with whatever Thomas has.

Here's to Lysol-ing the apartment and taking care of hubby!  And a big hello to my sister-in-law Meghan who made my day by texting me!  Miss you and your sweet family!

3 months ago

Three months ago today our lives changed forever.  It was exactly 3 months ago when Lucas went to be with Jesus.  Not a day, not even an hour, goes by that we don't think of him.

Somehow in the midst of all of this, I still believe in God's faithfulness and truth.  I can see God working in our lives and sustaining us in our most desperate hour.  I can feel the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I don't think it can truly be explained other than that, as followers of Christ, we have hope.  We will see our baby again.  I think if we didn't have that hope that we would be very lost.

I finished my 6 weeks of grief counselling last week.  It was an interesting experience.  I can't say for sure if I think it made a ton of difference, but it was nice to talk about Lucas.  And to know that the wide range of emotions I'm feeling is normal.  I would recommend grief counselling to someone going through a loss.  We are looking at joining a support group for parents going through the same thing.  I truly believe that support is critical during a time like this.  Not just the "I"m here if you need anything" stuff that people say.  I"m talking about the true, deep, unconditional support that very few people offer.

Three months.  And it feels like it was just yesterday.  The pain is still there.  The hard to breathe, hard to get out of bed, hard to cope with pain is still there.  Has the pain eased any?  Maybe in some ways.  The shock of it all has worn off.  But in some ways the pain has deepened.  The guilt has increased.  The over-analyzing every little decision we made haunts us.  Deep down I know we spent as much time as we could at the hospital.  We made every decision in his best interest.  We fought for him.  We fought for him when they told us he had very little hope.  We fought for him before he was born.  We prayed for him.  People all over the world prayed for him.

We miss him.  We love him.  We always have and always will.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Today begins October.  This is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  My prayer is that no family would ever have to feel this pain.

Praying for peace and strength for all of us on this unthinkable journey.

In memory of my sweet angel, Lucas Rolland.

A little hiatus

We finally have internet again after it being out for FOUR days.  I was going a little stir crazy, although the main problem was that Tom needs internet for his job.  On the second day of the internet crisis, our cable went out as well forcing me to fill my down time with cleaning.  All is well though and now I have a sparkling apartment.

During our entertainment outage I decided to read more.  I'm a pretty avid reader to begin with but I finished 2 books during these 4 days.

I loved both of these books, especially Heaven is For Real.  They both have to do with children.  Touching Heaven was a little harder to read because it was actually about children who had died.  It was written by a chaplain at a children's hospital and she talks about how they were visited by angels.  Or some of them were comforted by Jesus, being told that it was okay and He would be with them.  We also got the book Heaven is For Real the kids version for the boys to read someday.

My little man is becoming a bookworm like his mommy.  His new favorite word is "bay" which is his word for book.

Miller and I had lunch with one of our favorite NICU staff Ruth.  She is a lactation consultant and we love her!  Ruth hadn't seen M since he was discharged from the hospital, weighing a tiny 5 lbs!  He has grown so much.

Things 1 and 2.  They are so sweet together.  Declan loves Miller so much.  Miller sometimes isn't sure about his big bulldozer of a brother though!

5 months

Miller man turned 5 months old yesterday!  I can't believe this little guy is almost half a year old!

• He weighs 12 and 1/2 lbs.
• Wearing size 2 diapers and 3-6 month clothing. 
• Eating between 4-5 oz every 3-4 hours.
• We were given the okay from his doctor to try spoon feeding rice cereal now.  You can see in the picture above that he did not care for the experience.  We will try again soon.
• He got a little activity seat which he LOVES.  He likes sitting up and playing with the little butterfly toy attached to it.
• Little man is sleeping through the night.  Hallelujah!  He usually sleeps from 9-6.  Adding rice cereal to his nighttime bottle has helped tremendously with his acid reflux and, in turn, his sleeping longer and more comfortably through the night.
• He doesn't care for tummy time and uses this time to practice rolling over from his belly to his back.
• This little dude is the happiest baby I've ever seen.  He is (usually) all smiles and he coos and giggles at us all day long.  I love it.

Some things I've learned about grief

Over the past couple of months, I've learned a lot more about grief than I had ever wanted to know.  I feel that I've had way more challenging experiences than anyone should at the ripe ole' age of 26, although I will say that no one of any age should have to go through losing a child.  I have learned some things about grief along the way.

First, you can't run from grief.  It will sneak up and catch up with you.  No amount of staying busy or sleeping to try to avoid the pain will work forever.  Grief is there waiting on you.

Grief will hit you at seemingly odd times sometimes.  Like at the doctor's office the other day, I completely spazzed out on the checkout lady.  Granted, she was very rude to my mother but I know the real reason that I couldn't control my temper at that moment.

And grief will hit you at obvious times too.  Like when I saw little twin boys out shopping with their parents.  Or when Lucas's grave marker came in and I saw, for the first time, his name along with his birth date and date that he passed away.  Or when I went to pick out some artificial flowers for his grave marker bouquet (thank goodness for the sweet lady who was so very kind to me and made the process as easy as she could).  And it will hit you hard.  Like can't stop crying, shaking, hyperventilating hard.

And possibly one of the worst things about grief- the world keeps on spinning and going on the way it always does.  My world feels like it has stopped.  Sometimes I get angry at our family and even myself for being able to function and go about our daily lives.  I know we have to move forward (not move on, or get over it), but it's hard.

Grief causes things that people say to irritate you.   "I can't even imagine..." We hear this a lot and I don't think it's meant to get on our nerves, but it does.  It's kind of the standard "I-don't-know-what-to-say" answer.  And I have been guilty of this.  I vividly remember saying this to a lady who lost her son just shorty before we lost Lucas.

 or  "It was God's will."  Although we believe God had a plan for Lucas here on earth just for a short time and then he was needed in heaven, this little sentence does not ease any pain.  It just brings up questions.  Well, why was it God's will for my child to die?  Why, when we prayed so hard and begged God to let us keep Luke, did He take him away?  Questions that we may never know this answer to, this side of heaven.

or  "At least you have 2 other children."  which is sometimes accompanied by "You're young, you can have more children."  Luke can never be replaced with another child.  And yes, we are thankful for the 2 other children that we have but we are still hurting and grieving for our 3rd child.  And although we are young, we are probably not planning on having more children for several reasons.

Here's hoping that this stage of grief gets somewhat better soon.  I'm ready to stop feeling sadness and guilt and anxiety all the time.

More randoms

Miller man loves his activity mat.  He lays there and watches his little animal friends rotate and just smiles so big!  He loves to swat at them.  He is not so crazy about tummy time on the mat though.  

Now that munchkin has had his second rounds of shots we have been given the okay for limited outings such as walks, trips to uncrowded stores, friends' houses, etc.  Places we won't be bringing Miller to are the grocery store, church, mall, Target (sad face), etc.  Some people don't realize how things like this are very different for preemies (especially a 29 weeker like M). I know I didn't.  Their lungs just aren't as developed as a full-term baby's.  This makes them more vulnerable to serious infections like RSV.  RSV can be very serious for a preemie.  We are taking a lot of precautions with M!

When we do go out for a walk, he loves riding around in the sling!

Pinterest.  Oh, pinterest.  How many times have I excitedly tried out a new Pinterest recipe only to have it fail miserably?  Like the cake batter fudge that turned out looking like soap.  Eww.

But, FINALLY a pinterest success!  I made these little delicious breakfast sandwiches for the hubs and myself.  Super easy.  Cook some eggs and sausage.  Assemble eggs, sausage, and pepperjack cheese on an English muffin.  Wrap in aluminum foil and freeze.  Pop them in the microwave for a minute or so when you're ready to eat them.  Super simple, decently healthy, and delicious.

Thomas and I began the 9 week Financial Peace University classes at our church.  I am very excited about this, as I am a big dork that likes spreadsheets, budgeting, and saving money.  I am eager to learn how to live DEBT FREE, which in turn will lessen the stress in our lives.

I am really missing Luke a lot.  I can't believe it's been over 2 months since he went to heaven.  I always miss him, but lately it's been really hard.  Like have to walk out of church service, sobbing kind of hard.  I don't like when people say that time heals all wounds because I don't think that's true.  At least not for me.  No amount of time will ever heal the raw open wound of losing my precious son.  I can only hope that it will get a little easier to go about each day.  I don't think my heart will ever be truly whole again.  Not until I get to heaven someday and finally get to hold my baby again.