Weekend recap

Monday and Tuesday night of this week Miller had horrible sleepless nights, waking up every 1-2 hours crying and screaming.  On Wednesday I took him to the walk-in clinic at his pediatrician and the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.  Wednesday and Thursday night were even worse and when his fever spiked to 104 degrees early Friday morning, I made him an another appointment.  Turns out the little guy had an ear infection.  I'm glad I went with my instinct and brought him back to the doctor because after just the first dose of antibiotic he seemed much better.

I hate it when my babies don't feel well, but I do love the cuddles I get from them.  Neither one of them are big cuddlers right now (busy toddlers!) but when they don't feel well, they want to snuggle with me all day and I am happy to oblige.

Saturday, the children's hospital (where the twins were in the NICU) had a Celebration of Remembrance ceremony for children gone too soon.  We sent in a picture of Lucas last week to be shown in the slide show.  As soon as we walked into the auditorium, our little Lucas' picture was on the big screen greeting us.  After a short ceremony, we were asked to step outside and take an envelope with a butterfly inside it.

We then participated in a butterfly release.  This butterfly in the picture fluttered over to me and landed on my finger.  I think it was Lucas' way of saying hello.

This next group of pictures shows the progression of Declan holding a flower pot with forget-me-nots (a little keepsake from the ceremony), then eating the flowers and dirt, and then having a major meltdown when we took the flower pot away (while Miller laughs at him).  Poor guy.  My mom tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I told her he would eat it.

A few hours after we got back from the ceremony, Declan started feeling bad.  One minute he was fine and the next minute he was running a high fever.  His doctor called in some ear drops for us so we didn't have to drive all the way downtown again.  Saturday and Sunday were spent watching Cars and Curious George and he started feeling better today.

Whew.  This weekend was a wild ride of ear infections, teething (Miller is getting his 8th tooth!), and spending a small fortune on Tylenol and Advil.  Hopefully we are all on the mend.  I got sick too, but mommies don't really have time to be sick, huh?

I did treat myself to a snow cone today.  I needed a little pick me up!

348

348 days since I held you in my arms.

348 days since I kissed your sweet face and held your tiny hands.

348 days since the day my entire world was turned upside down.

348 days and the pain is just as real and as raw as day 1.

My heart aches.  That is about the simplest way to describe how I feel right now.  I feel this weight on my chest, this deep sorrow in my soul.  The closer we get to July 7, the more depressed I feel.  I'm having vivid flashbacks to the day he died.

I feel that so many times people view child loss as a taboo subject to talk about.  People want to see strong parents, full of faith, resiliently move forward with their lives.  People don't always know what to do with the reality- broken parents trying to put the fragile pieces of their hearts back in some way, knowing life will never be the same again.

And so many times I mask the depth of my pain and sorrow.

When people tell me to just focus on and appreciate what I have here, I usually just smile and nod.  Some days I want to just break down and scream at them, "You have no idea how much I appreciate my children here.  But tell me, which one of YOUR children do you think you could live without???!"  But I know these people are well meaning and are trying to be supportive.  It makes me feel like my pain isn't validated though.  And I don't know how a mother could ever get over losing her child.

I still cannot look at twins without tearing up.  Not just for me, but for Miller.  His little buddy isn't here anymore.  Although I truly believe Lucas is watching over him, I'm sad for Miller that he will never get to experience a lot of special twin things.

I just can't believe it's been 348 days.  In some ways it feels like just yesterday, and in other ways it feels like it's been forever.

Life lately

Things have been, well, busy.  We got another wave of medical bills, a big ole stack of statements from the boys' NICU stays and my hospitalizations.  I cannot wait until the day when all of this is behind us.  I have invested in a planner solely for medical bills, as well as a binder to file all of the statements and receipts.  It is overwhelming at times, to say the least.  Anyway, that is a big part of why I've been so absent on here- dealing with insurance companies, mistakes on a billing statement, etc.

In other news, here are some pictures of life lately.  First up, Miller's dedication at church.

Declan loves watching the ducks that live near the pond at our apartment complex.  Several ducks recently had babies and there are little ducklings everywhere!  He could sit outside and watch them for hours.  He especially loves the "baby duhs."

It has been way too hot here lately to go outside for long periods of time.  I bought Declan this easel with some of his birthday money and it was money well spent.  It's been a good way to spend some time in the cool, air conditioned apartment without watching TV all day.

My parents watched the kiddos while my hubby and I went to dinner with some friends for my birthday.

All the ladies in this picture and I have been friends since we were about 14.  Love these people!

Possibly one of the biggest events is that Miller is a helmet graduate now!  I took him to the orthotist's office to adjust his helmet since it was fitting really tight.  He wanted to do some measurements before making any adjustments and turns out, Miller had improved so much that the doctor said we can go ahead leave it off.  I'm glad because around here, July and August are miserably hot months!

I came into the living room and see this- Declan taking care of the "baby."  Sweet boy.

On June 13, we celebrated the one year anniversary of Miller coming home from the NICU.

Speaking of Miller, the boy is into everything now!  He is a pro at climbing on things and the little guy is determined, especially when it comes to the mini blinds.  I don't know what he finds so fascinating with mini blinds, but he is always trying to get to them.

We have spent some of the really hot days at the pool.  Miller is a total water baby, but Declan isn't so sure about swimming.  It took a lot of coaxing to get him in the pool and even when he got in, he didn't enjoy it all that much.

We try to go to the park at least once or twice a week.  The boys love it!

And just for kicks, here is a picture I found yesterday of me holding my baby brother the day after he was born.

2 years

**I actually had a post all written out and pictures picked out, all before Declan's birthday.  Then, well... life happened- Declan's birthday, my birthday, lots of doctor appointments, visit from the in-laws...  And somehow that post got deleted, so here goes...

Declan Thomas turned 2 years old on May 29!  I cannot believe my first baby is now 2.  It seems like just yesterday he was a newborn.

Declan, my sweet chunky monkey baby.  This little guy was a whopping 8 pounder baby.  My doctor was stunned at his birth weight- we were told to expect a 6 pound baby.  Just the first of many surprises with this little guy!

Those sweet chunky cheeks.  So kissable!

Just shy of 11 months old, Declan became a big brother to twin brothers.  He constantly amazes me with how good he is with Miller.  He always wants to take care of him.

Just a few pictures of Declan's second year.

This sweet boy stole our hearts long before he was even born.  He is such a goofball and he makes me laugh everyday.  A few of his favorite things are cars, trolleys, ducks (especially the baby ducklings that live by us), spaghetti, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, Mater, his train set, going on walks, and going to the park.

He is really starting to communicate a lot more with us.  He is still using one or two syllable words and just a couple of phrases.  Just a guess, I think his vocabulary is about 100+ words.

He weighed 33 pounds and was 34 inches tall at his last checkup.  He is in size 5 diapers.  We tried the potty-training thing briefly, but he just isn't ready quite yet so we will give it a little while longer.  He is in between sizes 2T and 3T and wears size 7 and 1/2 in shoes.

I love this little guy more than words could express.  Each day with him is wonderful.  Exhausting, but wonderful.

We love you, Declan Thomas!  Happy 2nd Birthday!