Christmas 2013

Although this Christmas was hard because Lucas isn't here with us, I was telling my family that Christmas means more to me this year than it ever has.  Because of Jesus, I will get to see my baby boy again someday.  That right there is reason for me to celebrate, even on days when it is hard to breathe because I'm missing Lucas so much.  And just think of what kind of Christmas Lucas is having, celebrating with Jesus!  That being said, my heart still aches for my sweet son.  It always will.

Lucas got a special ornament this year.

Declan loved opening up his gifts this year.  His Thomas the Tank toy from his uncle Ryan is one of his favorites.

Miller didn't quite know what to think.

Love his little outfit with a tie!  It was Declan's outfit from last year.

Miller got an exersaucer.  He was pretty amazed by the toys on it. 

Another favorite present- a radio flyer wagon from the boys' Nana.  I can't wait to take the boys on walks and to the zoo in this!

Declan got some wheels!  He got an adorable little car that I can push him in or take off the handle and he can "drive" himself.  We went on 3 walks today with it and he was practically begging for more.  

All in all, it was a good Christmas.  A bittersweet one.

We wish a very Merry Christmas to all!

Dear Friend, From a Bereaved Mother

Dear Friend,

The loss of a child is truly devastating.  Heart breaking, gut wrenching, devastating.  Whether it be a loss due to miscarriage, stillborn, death of a small baby, a child, or an adult child, when you lose your child you lose a piece of you.  You will never be the same.  I would never wish this pain on anyone.

Some people help ease the pain.  Some inflict more.  Many people ask "How can I be a friend to you at a time like this?"  Most people don't know what to say.  That's okay.  It's okay to say "I don't know what to say."  Personally I would prefer this response over avoidance of the subject or a cliche "right thing to say."  It's also okay to say "I'm sorry, this sucks and I hurt for you."  Honestly there is no right thing to say, so don't worry about saying the perfect right thing.

Don't be afraid to say my child's name to me or to talk about him.  I know people are scared of making me sad, but the truth is I will always be sad over losing my son.  But I also have joy in my life too.  My son brought me joy and happiness and I want to remember those times.  I love talking about my precious boy.  I don't want to avoid the subject of him.  I want to talk about him.  It's okay to bring him up in conversation.

Remember that grief doesn't expire.  I may seem like I'm living a normal life these days and I may even smile or laugh, but I'm still grieving.  Grief is different for everyone.  For me, I grieve privately.  I don't often break down or cry in front of other people.  You may see me out and about with a smile on my face but what you don't see is me sobbing alone at home, desperately wishing I could be rocking my son to sleep instead of visiting his grave.

Be understanding as I travel on this unthinkable journey.  I am going to have good days.  I am going to have bad days.  Certain things will trigger strong memories and emotions.  A song, a date, the smell of the hand sanitizer used in hospitals, etc.

And speaking of dates, help me remember the special dates.  The day I first got to hold Lucas, his birthday, the day I found out we were expecting twins.  These are all special to me.  Understand that some dates will be painful.  The day Lucas passed away.  The day he was buried.   Those days will be hard for the rest of my life.

Know that sometimes the small things can mean the most.  Not every act of kindness has to be big.  One of the most endearing and sweetest things a friend did was come over to my house and just sit with me.  My friend Abbey came over as soon as she heard and let me cry and cried with me.  She was there to support me, not to fix things.

Now, everyone is different and I know that not every bereaved parent feels the same way about things as I do.  I really do think the two things that most bereaved parents feel the same about are that their child is and always will be important, loved, and cherished to them and for people to respect the way they grieve.

If you know a bereaved parent or really anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, show them love.  Love makes all the difference.

From,
A Bereaved Mother

Friday randoms

We had a house guest this week for a couple of days.  A sweet black lab named Jack.  Declan loved him, as you can see in this picture.  Those two were so cute together, running around and playing.

I've been wanting a good picture of me with the boys.  Easier said than done.  This picture was the best out of the dozen that we took.  Haha.  Maybe this Sunday we will get a good one.  We are all going to church together and the boys have new Christmas outfits.

I took both boys to the pediatrician today, with the help of my mom (thank goodness!).  Miller got his RSV shot and flu shot.  And Declan got a flu shot and the two vaccines that they were out of at his 18 month checkup.  So now Declan is up to date on vaccines and doesn't have to get anymore until age 5.

Miller had a physical therapy appointment today and it went well.  His PT hasn't seen him in about a month and she said she can see some improvements.  Made me feel good since I work with him every day.  Miller has infant torticollis.  Declan had this too, as an infant.  Basically it means that the muscle that connect the breastbone and collarbone to the skull is very tight and they tend to tilt their heads because of the tightness.  Declan went through 2 rounds of physical therapy and it eventually corrected.  Miller will see a PT once a week and be assessed for a head shaping helmet.  Because babies with torticollis tilt their heads, they tend to favor one side and the pressure from turning a certain way for so long can cause a flat spot on the back of their heads.  Miller's head is rounding out more now since he is sitting up more and prefers to lay on his tummy, therefore relieving some pressure off the back of his head.  We will still have an assessment to see if a head shaping helmet will benefit him.  I read somewhere that roughly 1 in 250 babies have torticollis and BOTH of mine do.  My dad had it too.  It's interesting.


This little guy is growing so much!  I've noticed that it's getting harder to carry him in his carseat because he is getting so heavy!  Today at the doctor, he weighed in at 17 lbs.

Happy Friday!

Some honest thoughts and feelings

Today I saw a picture of newborn twins on Facebook.  Healthy newborn twins.  I am so happy these twins are healthy and were born at a good gestational age.  I'm not sure how many weeks but I know it's over 32 weeks, so that's a good milestone for twins.

It made me break down sobbing.  I wish so bad that I had both of my little twinkies here cuddling with me.  I began doing the questioning.  If I had been on bedrest, would that have made me stay pregnant longer and not go into preterm labor?  Why did Lucas' lung not develop properly?  Why did he have all these things to struggle with?....

I think I could wonder, and probably will wonder, these questions for the rest of my life.  Questions I will never have the answers to.

The truth is that I can't look at twins without my heart breaking, especially boy twins.  I never wanted to say something like this because I wanted to seem like I am handling things with grace and strength.

The truth is that, although my doctor said it's perfectly healthy for us to have another baby, we don't see that happening because we are terrified of losing another child.

The truth is that last month when both of my boys were sick with a bad virus (think fever of 104+ with Declan), I absolutely panicked and couldn't even think straight because I am so anxious these days.  It didn't help that Declan was admitted to the ER at the same hospital that Miller and Lucas were at.  Lots of memories flooded back, some good and some bad.

The truth is that grief doesn't expire.  I think of Lucas constantly.  I wonder if he knows how much he is loved and will always be loved.  I wonder if he knows how very much he changed our lives and that we are so thankful for his precious life.  I wonder if he knows how much I fought for him, even when we were told that he would never make it through the pregnancy to be born.  I wonder if he knows that although he was born facing issues from the very start, he was absolutely perfect to me.  He was beautiful and perfect and I fell in love the very first time I saw him on ultrasound.

Life Lately

Wow, just realized I haven't written in a while.  Not a whole lot of exciting things have happened lately.  We have just been getting ready for the Christmas season.  Thanksgiving was a hard day for all of us.  We have much to be thankful for, but we were missing Lucas extra bad that day.

I am thankful for Lucas' life and the 76 beautiful days he spent with us.  I am thankful that God chose me, out of everyone in this world, to be that sweet boy's mother.  I am thankful that, because we know Jesus, we will see Lucas again.  I am thankful for my 2 boys here, and all the joy and laughter they bring us.  I am thankful for the family and friends who have been there for us through the nightmare of losing a child.

Over the past few weeks this little guy turned 7 months old.

Gosh.  Where is the time going?  He is hitting his milestones, somewhere between his actual age and adjusted age.  He is not as far behind as he could be, but he is not where a 7 month old should be developmentally.  This is to be expected of a preemie.  His adjusted age is almost 5 months (age from his due date).

He is starting to enjoy baby food more.  He has had bananas, green beans, and prunes so far.  Prunes have been his favorite, as well as the messiest and most likely to stain his clothes!

He has been rolling over both ways for a couple of months now.  His recent developmental milestone is reaching up and holding toys.

He is still sleeping very well at night, usually 7-8 hour stretches.  His naps are becoming more predicable too.  He is getting himself on a nap schedule.  He is consistently taking 6 oz bottles and sometimes wants a little bit more.  He is in size 3 diapers and wearing 6-9 month clothing.  The boy is growing fast!

Last week we took the boys to see Santa.  I expected this to be a disaster since Declan isn't too fond of strangers and gets shy.  He wasn't thrilled about it, but he cooperated enough for a picture, so I consider that a victory.

These two boys are so much fun.  They really love each other a lot.  Declan is always wanting to hold Miller, although Miller is half his size now!  Miller thinks Declan is hilarious.  Sometimes I will look over at them and they are laughing about something and once they see me, they stop and get serious again.  I guess they already have some sort of inside joke.

Yesterday, my mom and I took Declan to Build-A-Bear to pick out and build a new teddy bear.  He immediately gets excited over all the "woof woofs."  Yup.  My crazy boy calls ALL stuffed animals "woof woof" regardless of what kind of animal they are.  Even his Spiderman stuffed toy is a woof woof.   Here is the new Woof Woof.  Yoda bear.  So cute.  I love being a mommy of boys.