A little hiatus

We finally have internet again after it being out for FOUR days.  I was going a little stir crazy, although the main problem was that Tom needs internet for his job.  On the second day of the internet crisis, our cable went out as well forcing me to fill my down time with cleaning.  All is well though and now I have a sparkling apartment.

During our entertainment outage I decided to read more.  I'm a pretty avid reader to begin with but I finished 2 books during these 4 days.

I loved both of these books, especially Heaven is For Real.  They both have to do with children.  Touching Heaven was a little harder to read because it was actually about children who had died.  It was written by a chaplain at a children's hospital and she talks about how they were visited by angels.  Or some of them were comforted by Jesus, being told that it was okay and He would be with them.  We also got the book Heaven is For Real the kids version for the boys to read someday.

My little man is becoming a bookworm like his mommy.  His new favorite word is "bay" which is his word for book.

Miller and I had lunch with one of our favorite NICU staff Ruth.  She is a lactation consultant and we love her!  Ruth hadn't seen M since he was discharged from the hospital, weighing a tiny 5 lbs!  He has grown so much.

Things 1 and 2.  They are so sweet together.  Declan loves Miller so much.  Miller sometimes isn't sure about his big bulldozer of a brother though!

5 months

Miller man turned 5 months old yesterday!  I can't believe this little guy is almost half a year old!

• He weighs 12 and 1/2 lbs.
• Wearing size 2 diapers and 3-6 month clothing. 
• Eating between 4-5 oz every 3-4 hours.
• We were given the okay from his doctor to try spoon feeding rice cereal now.  You can see in the picture above that he did not care for the experience.  We will try again soon.
• He got a little activity seat which he LOVES.  He likes sitting up and playing with the little butterfly toy attached to it.
• Little man is sleeping through the night.  Hallelujah!  He usually sleeps from 9-6.  Adding rice cereal to his nighttime bottle has helped tremendously with his acid reflux and, in turn, his sleeping longer and more comfortably through the night.
• He doesn't care for tummy time and uses this time to practice rolling over from his belly to his back.
• This little dude is the happiest baby I've ever seen.  He is (usually) all smiles and he coos and giggles at us all day long.  I love it.

Some things I've learned about grief

Over the past couple of months, I've learned a lot more about grief than I had ever wanted to know.  I feel that I've had way more challenging experiences than anyone should at the ripe ole' age of 26, although I will say that no one of any age should have to go through losing a child.  I have learned some things about grief along the way.

First, you can't run from grief.  It will sneak up and catch up with you.  No amount of staying busy or sleeping to try to avoid the pain will work forever.  Grief is there waiting on you.

Grief will hit you at seemingly odd times sometimes.  Like at the doctor's office the other day, I completely spazzed out on the checkout lady.  Granted, she was very rude to my mother but I know the real reason that I couldn't control my temper at that moment.

And grief will hit you at obvious times too.  Like when I saw little twin boys out shopping with their parents.  Or when Lucas's grave marker came in and I saw, for the first time, his name along with his birth date and date that he passed away.  Or when I went to pick out some artificial flowers for his grave marker bouquet (thank goodness for the sweet lady who was so very kind to me and made the process as easy as she could).  And it will hit you hard.  Like can't stop crying, shaking, hyperventilating hard.

And possibly one of the worst things about grief- the world keeps on spinning and going on the way it always does.  My world feels like it has stopped.  Sometimes I get angry at our family and even myself for being able to function and go about our daily lives.  I know we have to move forward (not move on, or get over it), but it's hard.

Grief causes things that people say to irritate you.   "I can't even imagine..." We hear this a lot and I don't think it's meant to get on our nerves, but it does.  It's kind of the standard "I-don't-know-what-to-say" answer.  And I have been guilty of this.  I vividly remember saying this to a lady who lost her son just shorty before we lost Lucas.

 or  "It was God's will."  Although we believe God had a plan for Lucas here on earth just for a short time and then he was needed in heaven, this little sentence does not ease any pain.  It just brings up questions.  Well, why was it God's will for my child to die?  Why, when we prayed so hard and begged God to let us keep Luke, did He take him away?  Questions that we may never know this answer to, this side of heaven.

or  "At least you have 2 other children."  which is sometimes accompanied by "You're young, you can have more children."  Luke can never be replaced with another child.  And yes, we are thankful for the 2 other children that we have but we are still hurting and grieving for our 3rd child.  And although we are young, we are probably not planning on having more children for several reasons.

Here's hoping that this stage of grief gets somewhat better soon.  I'm ready to stop feeling sadness and guilt and anxiety all the time.

More randoms

Miller man loves his activity mat.  He lays there and watches his little animal friends rotate and just smiles so big!  He loves to swat at them.  He is not so crazy about tummy time on the mat though.  

Now that munchkin has had his second rounds of shots we have been given the okay for limited outings such as walks, trips to uncrowded stores, friends' houses, etc.  Places we won't be bringing Miller to are the grocery store, church, mall, Target (sad face), etc.  Some people don't realize how things like this are very different for preemies (especially a 29 weeker like M). I know I didn't.  Their lungs just aren't as developed as a full-term baby's.  This makes them more vulnerable to serious infections like RSV.  RSV can be very serious for a preemie.  We are taking a lot of precautions with M!

When we do go out for a walk, he loves riding around in the sling!

Pinterest.  Oh, pinterest.  How many times have I excitedly tried out a new Pinterest recipe only to have it fail miserably?  Like the cake batter fudge that turned out looking like soap.  Eww.

But, FINALLY a pinterest success!  I made these little delicious breakfast sandwiches for the hubs and myself.  Super easy.  Cook some eggs and sausage.  Assemble eggs, sausage, and pepperjack cheese on an English muffin.  Wrap in aluminum foil and freeze.  Pop them in the microwave for a minute or so when you're ready to eat them.  Super simple, decently healthy, and delicious.

Thomas and I began the 9 week Financial Peace University classes at our church.  I am very excited about this, as I am a big dork that likes spreadsheets, budgeting, and saving money.  I am eager to learn how to live DEBT FREE, which in turn will lessen the stress in our lives.

I am really missing Luke a lot.  I can't believe it's been over 2 months since he went to heaven.  I always miss him, but lately it's been really hard.  Like have to walk out of church service, sobbing kind of hard.  I don't like when people say that time heals all wounds because I don't think that's true.  At least not for me.  No amount of time will ever heal the raw open wound of losing my precious son.  I can only hope that it will get a little easier to go about each day.  I don't think my heart will ever be truly whole again.  Not until I get to heaven someday and finally get to hold my baby again.

Randoms

• Wednesday night was spent at the Minor Med with Declan.  One minute he was fine and next thing I know he was running a fever of 103+, even after taking Tylenol.  My little hyperactive crazy man was so calm and listless and I was so worried about him.  After an hour or so at the minor med, watching Stuart Little (which was a hit with D-man), we were told that he has a virus and a pretty nasty ear infection... again.  Second one in a month!  So Miller packed up and spent the night with my parents to avoid him getting sick too.

• I heard the song that was sung at Lucas's funeral on the radio this weekend.  Oh my heart.  I was so emotional.  

• So I really want a cat.  So does Tom.  We know this is not logical right now with 2 small children.  Still, I want a kitty!  The best pet I've ever had was my cat Simon.  I had him for 15 years.  I loved that little critter.  Maybe someday we'll get another cat, but not now.

• I am eager to get our dining room all fixed up, but I can never seem to find the time to do it.  I would love for us to all sit down as a family at the dining room table to eat dinner.  I am hoping that this weekend will allow some free time to get some things like this done.

• Speaking of eating, Declan has recently decided that he will have nothing to do with a bib.  He pulls them off right away if I dare to put one on him.  It wouldn't be such a big deal if he didn't also recently decided that he wants to feed himself with a spoon or fork.  Little man gets food everywhere!  Oh well...  I'm pretty sure no one has ever said that the toddler years are mess free.

• It's interesting how different kids are.  For example, I know nothing about struggles to wean a baby off the pacifier because Declan gave his up willingly at 6 mths and Miller is pretty much done with pacis now, at 4 mths.  Neither one really loved them during the few months they actually used them.  However, sleep issues have been a BIG struggle with Declan since about 6 mths and are just now getting better.  I have some friends who have a heck of a time weaning their baby off the paci, but their kid sleeps like a champ.  It's funny how different kids are about different issues.

• I say this every single time I cut my hair, but never again will I cut my hair above my shoulders.  I should know by now that this length just does not work with my hair texture.  The guy who cut my hair even thinned it out but it is still fluffy and thick.  It takes even longer to style at this length than it did when it was twice as long.

• Double strollers are expensive!  I am looking for a second one so that my parents can have one or just for a backup.  We were graciously given a hand-me-down double stroller from one of my friends that is in great condition.  And bonus, the carseat Miller uses clips in the stroller.  So easy!  Most of the more inexpensive options are strollers with seats that are side by side instead of tandum.  I don't like that as much because it just seems bulky.  Here's hoping to score a deal on a second double stroller!

• Last random thought for this post.  Promise.  I have noticed I use an excessive amount of exclamation points.  I probably need to tone that down. 

15 months!

This little guy is 15 months old!  Boy have these 15 months flown by.  Seems like just yesterday we were bringing Declan home from the hospital.  It's amazing how much they grow and change just over the span of a little over a year.

15 MONTHS

• Weighs 25 lbs.
• Height is 32.5 inches.
• In size 4 diapers, 18mth- 2T clothing, and recently moved up to size 6 shoes.
• Speaking of shoes, he loves his shoes (that's my boy!).  He wants to wear shoes all the time!
• Can say 20 words and knows what they mean.
• Eating like a champ.  He eats 3 meals a day plus 2 snacks.  His favorites include mac-n-cheese, sweet potatoes, carrots, pancakes, and peaches.  He hasn't started the toddler picky phase yet.
• Knows a couple of words in sign language.
• FINALLY started really walking!  It took him FOREVER it seems.
• Favorite toy is any kind of ball- basketball, football, volleyball... Doesn't matter.  He even knows where the ball aisle is in Target and as soon as we get close to it, I start hearing "Ba!  Ba!  Ba!"
• LOVES bath time at night.
• We hear a lot that he looks like his daddy, but I think he looks like me.  I have a picture of me from when I was about his age and we look just alike!  I will have to post it soon.
• We are trying read him a book every night around bedtime but the boy is so active he wants nothing to do with sitting still even for a story.  Hopefully he will eventually sit still long enough for a story.  His momma is a bookworm and loves to read to him!

Boy oh boy do I love this boy!  He is so sweet and curious and clever.  He is my little Boo Boo!

Family picture!  I wish so bad that Lucas was here.  Times like these make me miss him extra bad.