One year old!

Miller James,
You are now one year old!  Wow, I can't believe my baby is now officially a toddler.  You turned one on the 22nd of this month.  It was a bittersweet day for mommy, but you made sure to be extra delightful that afternoon.  That morning was rough, as you are cutting not one, but TWO new teeth.  Some oragel helped relieve some of your teething pain.

Some stats from your 12 month check-up:

*You are 19.5 pounds and 29 inches long
*You are in the 50 percentile for weight and height for your adjusted age (about 9 1/2 months) and a whopping 95 percentile for your head circumference.  Sorry bud, but you have a big head like your brother.  Haha.
*You are wearing almost all 18 month size clothing.
*You are in size 4 shoes.
*You are in size 3 diapers still and they seem to be a good fit for a little bit longer.
*At your check-up you got 3 shots and a finger prick and you did SO well!  You are a tough little dude, barely flinching during the finger prick.  Mommy is so proud of you.


Lately, you have learned to pull up on furniture and have begun cruising along the couch and your crib.  I don't think it will be long before you take your first step!

Teething life has been ROUGH this month.  You currently have 4 teeth (2 on top, 2 on bottom) and are cutting 2 more on the top.  Oragel has been our best friend this month, as well as teething toys.

You and your brother went and saw the Easter bunny and you loved him.  Declan, however, did not and refused to go anywhere near the Easter bunny.

You love going on walks and always prop your little feet up and lean back in your seat.

Nighttime has been a little rough around here lately.  Between teething, 2 episodes of strep, an ear infection, and asthma, your sleeping habits have gotten a little off.  We are working on establishing a good routine and bedtime.  It's getting there.

We have started switching you over to whole cow's milk, per the advice of your pediatrician.  You are adjusting very well and are almost completely off formula (me AND my wallet are glad about this... Formula is expensive!).  You take about 5 bottles a day with 6-8 ounces per bottle.  You are eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner of baby food.  You love squash, sweet potatoes, and pears most of all.

Diaper changes are your most dreaded time of day and you wiggle in protest every time.  You do, however, love bath time.  I adore watching your little eyes light up when you splash around and play with your toys.

You and your big brother are really developing a great relationship.  Sometimes you two fight like crazy, but most of the time, you adore each other.

People out in public often ask if you two are twins.  As you can imagine, this question breaks my heart every single time because you, dear boy, ARE indeed a twin- just not Declan's.

You are growing so fast, my love.  You are doing so well and every day you amaze me with your strength and determination.  You have amazed your doctor and therapists with your progress.  I know, now, more than ever that preemies are tough.

Miller, you have truly brought so much joy to our lives.  Every day, your sweet disposition and adorable smile melt my heart.  Life with 2 young children is rough at times, but being a mother to my sweet boys is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.

I will never stop grieving...

I will post later about our Easter and include cute pictures of Declan and Miller, of course.  But for now, I will write about some thoughts that have been on my heart lately.

I had a (well meaning) family member say to me, when talking about how much I miss Lucas, that I should just be grateful for what I have here.  This person did not say this meaning to be hurtful, but it did hurt.

I'm not sure why people think that me being grateful for my boys here will diminish the pain of losing Lucas.  Trust me when I say I am thankful for Declan and Miller and their health.  I know all too well how quickly it can all be gone.

I am still distraught over losing Lucas.  I lost my son.  I lost a piece of my heart, forever.  I try to be positive and have faith, but some days I just can't.  I can't think of a reason why my two month old baby boy was called home to be with Jesus.  I begged God to let me keep him.  I wanted that baby.  I prayed for that baby.  I would have done anything, anything for him to be healed here on earth with me.  I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat.  I would have cut my own lung out of my chest if it could have saved him.

As a parent who has lost a child, you never get over it.  You never stop grieving completely.  There's always going to be a piece of you that is changed and things will never quite be the same again.  I'm a different mother now.  And it's not all good changes in my parenting.  I do cherish my children more now than I ever have.  But I'm terrified of something happening to them now.  Some nights I stay up and watch them breathe, just to make sure they are okay.  I cannot separate little things from big things, thus me taking them to the doctor for every little thing.  I live in a constant state of fear and panic of the "what ifs?"  What if something happens to them while they are sleeping?  What if they get sick?  What if....?  

The list truly could go on forever.

I'm hurting.  Thomas is hurting.  Some days we may seem like we are doing okay, but the truth is that we aren't.  Sometimes it's just easier to not talk about our hurt, because sometimes people inadvertently say something that stings.  Perhaps it's a defense mechanism.

For me, I grieve very privately.  I do not often open up to a lot of people about the depth of my feelings.  Perhaps it's because I have a small group of friends that I trust completely with my heart, and those friends always come through for me.  I tend to reserve my deepest conversations for them.

Maybe this post is a little bit on the depressing side, but the honest truth is that I'm not feeling very positive right now.  I'm feeling down.  Tomorrow is the twins' birthday and I don't even know how to begin to process it all.  I have no idea how to juggle the joy of Miller overcoming the odds to be here with the sadness of Lucas not being here.  It's confusing to me.

I can say that the most comforting thing anyone has done thus far is sent me a text message letting me know they are thinking about me and that they know tomorrow is going to be both joyful and hard.  It means the world to me that someone acknowledges our pain.  And more importantly, that they acknowledge that tomorrow is Miller's birthday and Lucas' birthday.

Moving

I've been a little absent lately, but for good reason.  We moved into a new apartment.  Same apartment complex, but different building.  We were having some issues that were not getting fixed, so they moved us to a new apartment.

While I'm glad to be in a new (and seemingly better) apartment, moving is a pain.

I went into a major purge-mode and got rid of a lot of stuff.  When we move, it always amazes me how much STUFF we have, especially stuff we don't really use or need anymore.  I'm sure we donated about 10 boxes of clothes and other things, and we still have more stuff to go through.

We came across the box of Lucas' things and for the first time, we looked at everything.  All the blankets from the hospital, his growth charts, clothes that we bought for him and he never got to wear, his footprints.... I felt my heart break into a million pieces all over again.  I want to get a memory box for most of the things and for the clothes and blankets, I'm planning on having a quilt made someday.  Getting a memory quilt made is a bit expensive so we will have to save up for it, but hopefully we can do it soon.

The twins' birthday is coming up next Tuesday and my emotions are all over the place.  While I'm so excited to celebrate Miller turning a year old, my heart is so broken that Lucas isn't here.  I guess it's always going to be like this to some degree.

Q&A - Plagiocephaly and cranial band

Due to the surprising amount of questions and comments we have gotten as a result of Miller's helmet (from e-mail, Facebook messages, comments in public, etc.), I have decided to answer our most asked questions here for those who have been following our little family's story.

Q:  Why does Miller wear a helmet?
A:  Miller was diagnosed with plagiocephaly (flat head syndrome) and torticollis (tightened muscle between neck and shoulder).  The torticollis made it difficult for him to turn his head, thus making the flat spot on his head worse.  He is going through physical therapy for this.

He had several factors working against him in the flat head department-
*he is a twin (twins often have plagiocephaly due to being crowded in the womb)
*he was in the NICU for a long time and part of the time he could not be moved much because he had a life threatening illness that required him to get a PICC line and keep his arm very still and straight.
*torticollis made it difficult to stretch his neck on one side, which contributed to the misshaping of his head.

Sometimes plagiocephaly can resolve on its own.  Declan had a mild case and never needed a helmet.  However, Miller's case was pretty severe and we believed that helmet therapy was the best option for him.

Q:  Did this happen because you didn't hold him enough or because you just put him in a bouncer all the time?
A:  No.  The above reasons are why Miller's case is so severe.  Miller was held often and carried in a Moby wrap carrier a lot too.  We did tummy time and the stretches that the physical therapist recommended for him.  I've read that an estimated 47% of babies now have some degree of plagiocephaly.  A big factor is that now more babies are sleeping on their backs (to reduce the risk of SIDS) and that is added pressure on the backs of their heads.

Q:  Is the helmet therapy just for cosmetic reasons?
A:  No.  Although we want Miller to have a cute, perfectly rounded head, there are other reasons for him to get the helmet.  If this isn't corrected, Miller is at risk for having jaw problems and spinal problems in the future.

Q:  What kind of reactions do we get in public?
A:  People do stare.  A lot.  Most people either avoid eye contact with us or they smile at us.  So far we have only had one person make a comment about his helmet.  We have had two people give us nasty looks and shake their heads at us.  I'm not really sure why.  It bothered me a lot and I wish now I would have said something to them.

Q:  How long will Miller have to wear his cranial band?
A:  Right now we don't know exactly how long, although it will likely be anywhere from 2-4 more months.  He has been wearing it for a month already and we go back the the orthotist next week to check his progress.  We should get a better idea about the frame of time after that appointment.

Q:  How is Miller adjusting to his helmet?
A:  Very well!  Most of the time he doesn't seem to notice it.  He sleeps in it and plays well with it on.

Q:  Do you avoid sharing and/or taking pictures with his helmet on?
A:  Nope :)  This helmet is part of Miller's history now and I'm not hesitant to share pictures with him in his helmet.  We decorated it so that it is a little more fun and festive though.

Five for Friday

1.  We finally moved Declan into a big boy bed.  He learned to climb out of his crib and we decided it was time to put together the toddler bed.  I thought the process of getting him used to his new bed would be terrible, but it wasn't too bad.  The first night it took about 45 minutes to get him to stay in bed and go to sleep.  The second night it took about 30 minutes.  The third night about 15 minutes.  And tonight it took less than 5 minutes.

You can tell what Thomas' thoughts on putting together the bed were.  It took both of us about an hour to get it put together.  It was a pain. 

Declan tested it out.  He decided that he approved, but only after Cookie Monster joined him.

2.  Today is World Plagiocephaly Awareness Day.  I had no idea until I saw some of my new plagiocephaly mom friends on Instagram post stuff about it.

3.  I found this picture of Lucas and me, taken on my dad's cell phone.  This was the first day I got to hold Lucas, on my birthday.  I got to hold my sweet boy only 3 times in his short life, the last time being when he passed away in my arms.  I truly miss him more than words can express.

4.  I am going shopping at a children's consignment sale tomorrow, so fingers crossed I find some good deals.  Both boys are going through a little growth spurt, especially Miller.  He is now in almost all 18 month size clothing, except for a handful of larger 12 month shirts.  Declan is still in 2T shirts, but I've noticed that his 2T pants are getting a little snug.  I'm hoping to score some great deals on pants for D, outfits for M, and maybe even some cute smocked outfits!

5.  I have been praying a lot about my role as a homemaker and stay-at-home mom.  I love being home with my boys and wouldn't change it, but I have to admit that I do not like some other responsibilities that fall on me.  I really don't like cooking.  I don't like cleaning.  I get very discouraged when I cook something that just doesn't turn out right.  And let's be honest, my clean standards have had to come down a little bit since having 2 babies to take care of.  I really want to do a better job, as this is my role in my family.