Back from a little hiatus

I must have sat down a dozen times to update this blog on our life lately, but it just never ended up happening.  To say life with 2 littles is busy is an understatement.  Don't get me wrong, this is such a fun age, (Two toddlers? They say and do hilarious things all the time), but it's hard.  Most of my time is spent refereeing them when fights break out over toys (Declan thinks that he is the owner of ALL toys), keeping Miller from flinging himself off the couch (the boy CLlMBS all. the. time. on. everything.), and doing an insane amount of dishes and laundry (boys eat a lot and are ROUGH on their clothes... Thank goodness for Oxiclean).  This all leaves little time for blogging, but here is the last month in a nutshell...

Halloween.  My sweet little firefighter and dalmatian puppy.  This was before.... before the madness.  About 4 houses in, Miller (my easy, breezy happy baby) lost his marbles.  He started screaming like a banshee, somehow escaped from the stroller and slid onto the sidewalk, and threw an epic tantrum so bad I could hardly carry him due to him flinging himself around so much.  We made it to only 4 houses and of those 4, only 2 opened their door so my hopes for a good candy stash were a bust.

Maybe next year.  Then again, he will be 2 years old then so it could be even worse.

One major success for the month was taking them to the children's museum.  They loved it and we spent hours watching them play.  The grocery store was a huge hit.  Interestingly enough, Declan's cart was full of veggies which he will not touch in real life.  Miller was only interested in fabric softener bottles for his cart.

Nothing sweeter than a little boy in precious smocked outfits.  I'm a sucker for smocking but it is usually way too expensive to justify not just one, but two, outfits.  Zulily has had a ton of smocked outfits for super cheap so I went on a little shopping spree.

Love their sweet turkey outfits and cannot wait to put them in the Christmas outfits I bought them!

Last week Miller had strep throat, an ear infection, and bronchitis so he stayed home from MDO and spent some one-on-one time with me.  I enjoyed the quality time with little man, just wish he had felt better!

Thomas has been getting tutoring every week for a math class (yuck, math) at Barnes and Noble so we usually go along with him.  I treat the boys to a cookie from Starbucks (and coffee for mommy!) and we attend story time.  Miller is still a little young for this, but Declan loves it.  They read a book and then do a craft.

After Miller got sick, I got a little cold too.  One benefit of me being super stingy with Declan using the iPad (as in, he has used it 3 times since we got it) is that when I'm sick needing some rest and he has free reign on it.... Silence.

I snapped this picture of him, mesmerized by the Youtube channel Disney Collector.  Literally, a woman videos herself opening toys and playing with them.  Toddlers apparently are enthralled with this.  Declan especially enjoys the videos about Cars toys.

So that's what we've been up to lately.  Nothing super exciting!  Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!

18 months!

This sweet little guy is 18 months old now!

He is such a busy boy now- always running around, exploring, and climbing on everything.

We had his 18 month checkup yesterday. He still weighs in around 22 lbs. His doctor was a little concerned that he hadn't gained any weight, but I think it's because he is so active now. If he doesn't gain some weight soon he may have to drink a Pediasure everyday so it's not a huge deal.

Everything else was great. Developmentally he is right on track.  He is saying about 10-12 words now, including Mama, Dada, night night, bye, hello, all done, go, banana, etc.

He loves playing with cars, blocks, and trains. 

He wears 18-24 month size clothing, size 6 shoe, and size 4 diapers. He is definitely long and lean.

His favorite foods are bananas, chicken nuggets, carrots, and spaghetti. Though there aren't many foods that he won't eat. He has a good appetite.

Sleep and naps are a mess right now but we are working on it.

He is starting to show some signs of tantrums and tries to bite us frequently. We are trying to put a stop to that. His bites hurt!

We love our sweet Miller man and enjoy his precious little personality so much!

We love October

October is easily my favorite month.  The weather, the scents, the clothes... I love fall.  I haven't updated the blog lately because chasing two busy toddlers all day doesn't allow for much down time.  

We have been busy lately spending nice days at the park....

Playing with cars...



Running wild with a mini shopping cart.  (Yes, that is a toddler safety harness (ok... it's a leash).  When you have a wild toddler like Declan who likes to run off, a leash is just added security.  Plus it allows him to have some freedom walking by himself, while giving me peace of mind.)

Loving on our dog, Millie...

Smiling for a rare photo opportunity for Mommy...

Playing in the play area at the mall on the rainy days...

Playing with their new 3 foot tall racetrack...

Decorating a pumpkin for Lucas...

And lighting a candle for Lucas on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day...

Happy Thursday!

Life Lately

Life has been, well, hectic lately.

The busyness all started with an 8 hour road trip to visit family for a long weekend.  It was good to see everyone but it was exhausting traveling with two toddlers.  We had a great time though, and even got a date night out of it since we had plenty of babysitting offers.

Before we could unpack our bags, both boys get sick with upper respiratory infections.  A couple of antibiotics and steroid dose pack later (holy cow!  Toddler roid rage is intense!!), they were on the mend... until.... they got Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease.  My poor babies.  Sores all over their mouths, throats, hands, face, and feet.  Fevers of 103+ for days.  Every time they would try to eat or drink something, they would scream in pain.  Plus, Miller is cutting 2 molars.  It is terrible seeing your child so miserable.

Thomas and I both ended up getting HFMD as well.  I can attest that it is, indeed, a miserable disease.

Everyone seems to be feeling much better now.  We are planning a low key weekend because next week will be a busy one, full of doctor appointments.

Have I ever said how much I do not like being busy?  It's the introvert in me, I guess.  I get overwhelmed and just want to go home and unwind.

For me

This post isn't a normal lighthearted post, so if you're not looking to read some serious thoughts, go ahead and skip this one. 

Anxiety.  Something I have struggled with my entire life.  I don't normally talk about it because of all the stigmas attached to anxiety, but it is part of my life.  I stay up at night a lot worrying about things that are completely irrational and out of my control.  Losing a child has amplified my anxiety.  Lately, I have lost a lot of sleep worrying about a myriad of things.  I haven't felt peace in a long time.

This week, I went grocery shopping by myself.  I was about halfway through my shopping when, on the radio in the store, I hear the song I used to sing to Lucas.  

"Back to Pooh Corner" was a song I grew up listening to.  It was mine and Lucas' song.  I never sang it to Declan or Miller, just Lucas.  It was our special song.  Each of my boys has a special song that I sing to only them.  I think I've heard "Back to Pooh Corner" on the radio maybe once or twice in the past few years.  When I heard it in the grocery store this week, I couldn't control the tears.  It brought back so many memories of me singing it to him and holding his precious little hand.  I quickly paid for my groceries and proceeded to walk out of the store, when I look up and see a mom walking in with identical twin boys around Miller's age.

Of course, I start crying even more and I call my mom.  She said something to me that had not occurred to me before- maybe that was a little way of Luke saying hello to me.  He knew twins would get my attention.

Fast forward to yesterday.  Thomas and I visited a new church with friends.  On the way to church, we were talking and we agreed that we need some peace and joy in our lives again.  We immediately felt at home at this new church.  During the service, the preacher announced the birth of- you guessed it- new identical twin boys born to someone who went to church there.  And then on the big screen is a picture of a mother holding her sweet twins.  

Then the preacher started talking about the song "It is Well with My Soul."

He talked about the man who wrote this beautiful song, Horacio Spafford.  He was a successful lawyer with a wife and 5 children.  In 1870, his son died from scarlet fever.  A couple years later Horacio, his wife, and their 4 daughters planned a trip.  His wife and daughters went ahead of him on the trip after last minute business plans held him back for a few days.  Their ship sank and all of their daughters drowned.  His wife survived.  When he was on his way to be with his grieving wife, the crew of the ship asked if he would like to stop by the spot where his daughters drowned to pay his respects.  That spot is where he wrote the lyrics to "It is Well with My Soul."

The preacher talked about joy and peace.  To be honest, I didn't ever feel like I would know peace again.  Joy was a different story.  Thomas, Declan, and Miller bring me endless joy every single day.  But peace, that's something I hadn't felt in ages.

I felt peace yesterday.  For so long, I was feeling like God dealt me this really bad hand in life and then just forgot about me.  I felt that sadness that you feel in the pit of your stomach.  That pain that just doesn't go away.  Here we are, 13 months later and I still feel that deep sadness and it seems like everyone else has just moved on and forgotten about my beloved little boy.

I am sure I will always struggle with anxiety and sadness.  But it was nice to feel some peace yesterday and to actually feel that that sermon was meant for me to hear.  I felt that God was telling me that He truly wants me to have joy and peace.

Five for Friday

1.  This little guy and his curly hair.  I have no idea where he gets his curls from.  My hair isn't naturally straight, but it isn't curly either.  Thomas claims his hair was never curly as a child either.  I sure do love seeing Miller's curls spring up after washing his hair.

2.  Pretty sure my kiddos wrote this.

I'm so tired.  So is Thomas.  It's just been rough adjusting to Thomas' new schedule.  He is working full-time and going to school full-time.  I know he is so worn out.  He graduates in May, so there is at least a light at the end of the tunnel, but he is struggling with going on so little sleep.  Some days he is lucky to be getting 5 hours of sleep.  I'm tired for different reasons.  I feel physically exhausted from being sick this week and chasing after two toddlers.  Oh yeah, Miller is WALKING now.  Go, Miller!  It amazes me how much energy toddlers have.  I wish I had some of their energy.

3.  I shopped at a huge consignment sale today for children's clothing, toys, etc.  I walked away with enough long sleeved shirts, pants, jackets, sweaters, pajamas, and coats for each boy for the fall/winter season plus a baby book for Miller (is it bad that it took me 15 months to get him one?), a pair of shoes, and a set of Lightning McQueen and Mater chairs, all for under $75.  They do this particular consignment sale twice a year (once with fall/winter items and once with spring/summer items) and it's my favorite.  

4.  My grandmother sent Thomas some birthday money last week so he bought a Keurig that was marked down on sale.  How did we ever live without this thing?  We both love coffee (okay, I love coffee... Thomas likes what I call fancy coffee.  He adds so much stuff to it that it doesn't even taste like coffee anymore), but we can't drink a whole pot of coffee so this is perfect.  Plus the Keurig is red which matches my kitchen decor.  Bonus.

5.  Our air conditioner in our car is out, and has been for about a week or so.  We have someone who is going to fix it for a good deal, but he is sick so we are just waiting for him to let us know when he is better.  Why is it that air conditioners always seem to go out during July/August?  Here in the South, that is not a good time to be without air!

Five for Friday

1.  Thomas and I celebrated 5 years of marriage on July 10.  Hard to believe it's been 5 years!  I can honestly say that I love him even more now than I did back then.  The more I get to know him each and every day, the more thankful I am that God put Thomas in my life.

Wedding picture, circa 2009.  Young and so baby-faced.  We were all of 21 and 22 years old!

2.  Speaking of the hubster, Happy Birthday to Thomas!

3.  Bless his little heart.  Last weekend, Miller started to run a fever and we attributed it to teething.  He had been drooling excessively and chewing on anything he could.  Two days later his fever spiked to almost 105, so we took him to the pediatrician.  The doctor checked everything, including running a complete blood count, and he said it was probably a virus.  Two days later and no improvement, my mommy instinct told me to take him back and sure enough the little guy had an ear infection and a really red throat.

Poor little guy, his fever was so high that we stripped him down to just a diaper to try and cool him off on the way to the pediatrician's office.

I'm glad I went with my gut feeling because he felt terrible.  The picture below is what he looked like for almost 5 days.  He would just lay in my arms and cried constantly.  It broke my heart.

Now that he has been on an antibiotic and ear drops, he is back to his normal self.

4.  Saw a llama while we were driving home from the grocery store.

5.  It was such a beautiful day today!  Almost felt like a fall day.  Wish that weather would last!

1 year

How has it been 1 year since I held you in my arms and kissed your sweet face?

My heart hurts even writing these words.  I miss you so much, Lucas.  I hope you know how loved you were and always will be.  I hope you know how much you are a part of this family.  You truly enriched our lives more than anyone will ever know.

Mommy's heart is so heavy today.  Tell Jesus to give you lots of hugs today since Mommy can't.

We love you baby boy.  We are so proud of the strength and courage you showed every single day you were here.

Weekend recap

Monday and Tuesday night of this week Miller had horrible sleepless nights, waking up every 1-2 hours crying and screaming.  On Wednesday I took him to the walk-in clinic at his pediatrician and the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.  Wednesday and Thursday night were even worse and when his fever spiked to 104 degrees early Friday morning, I made him an another appointment.  Turns out the little guy had an ear infection.  I'm glad I went with my instinct and brought him back to the doctor because after just the first dose of antibiotic he seemed much better.

I hate it when my babies don't feel well, but I do love the cuddles I get from them.  Neither one of them are big cuddlers right now (busy toddlers!) but when they don't feel well, they want to snuggle with me all day and I am happy to oblige.

Saturday, the children's hospital (where the twins were in the NICU) had a Celebration of Remembrance ceremony for children gone too soon.  We sent in a picture of Lucas last week to be shown in the slide show.  As soon as we walked into the auditorium, our little Lucas' picture was on the big screen greeting us.  After a short ceremony, we were asked to step outside and take an envelope with a butterfly inside it.

We then participated in a butterfly release.  This butterfly in the picture fluttered over to me and landed on my finger.  I think it was Lucas' way of saying hello.

This next group of pictures shows the progression of Declan holding a flower pot with forget-me-nots (a little keepsake from the ceremony), then eating the flowers and dirt, and then having a major meltdown when we took the flower pot away (while Miller laughs at him).  Poor guy.  My mom tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I told her he would eat it.

A few hours after we got back from the ceremony, Declan started feeling bad.  One minute he was fine and the next minute he was running a high fever.  His doctor called in some ear drops for us so we didn't have to drive all the way downtown again.  Saturday and Sunday were spent watching Cars and Curious George and he started feeling better today.

Whew.  This weekend was a wild ride of ear infections, teething (Miller is getting his 8th tooth!), and spending a small fortune on Tylenol and Advil.  Hopefully we are all on the mend.  I got sick too, but mommies don't really have time to be sick, huh?

I did treat myself to a snow cone today.  I needed a little pick me up!

348

348 days since I held you in my arms.

348 days since I kissed your sweet face and held your tiny hands.

348 days since the day my entire world was turned upside down.

348 days and the pain is just as real and as raw as day 1.

My heart aches.  That is about the simplest way to describe how I feel right now.  I feel this weight on my chest, this deep sorrow in my soul.  The closer we get to July 7, the more depressed I feel.  I'm having vivid flashbacks to the day he died.

I feel that so many times people view child loss as a taboo subject to talk about.  People want to see strong parents, full of faith, resiliently move forward with their lives.  People don't always know what to do with the reality- broken parents trying to put the fragile pieces of their hearts back in some way, knowing life will never be the same again.

And so many times I mask the depth of my pain and sorrow.

When people tell me to just focus on and appreciate what I have here, I usually just smile and nod.  Some days I want to just break down and scream at them, "You have no idea how much I appreciate my children here.  But tell me, which one of YOUR children do you think you could live without???!"  But I know these people are well meaning and are trying to be supportive.  It makes me feel like my pain isn't validated though.  And I don't know how a mother could ever get over losing her child.

I still cannot look at twins without tearing up.  Not just for me, but for Miller.  His little buddy isn't here anymore.  Although I truly believe Lucas is watching over him, I'm sad for Miller that he will never get to experience a lot of special twin things.

I just can't believe it's been 348 days.  In some ways it feels like just yesterday, and in other ways it feels like it's been forever.

Life lately

Things have been, well, busy.  We got another wave of medical bills, a big ole stack of statements from the boys' NICU stays and my hospitalizations.  I cannot wait until the day when all of this is behind us.  I have invested in a planner solely for medical bills, as well as a binder to file all of the statements and receipts.  It is overwhelming at times, to say the least.  Anyway, that is a big part of why I've been so absent on here- dealing with insurance companies, mistakes on a billing statement, etc.

In other news, here are some pictures of life lately.  First up, Miller's dedication at church.

Declan loves watching the ducks that live near the pond at our apartment complex.  Several ducks recently had babies and there are little ducklings everywhere!  He could sit outside and watch them for hours.  He especially loves the "baby duhs."

It has been way too hot here lately to go outside for long periods of time.  I bought Declan this easel with some of his birthday money and it was money well spent.  It's been a good way to spend some time in the cool, air conditioned apartment without watching TV all day.

My parents watched the kiddos while my hubby and I went to dinner with some friends for my birthday.

All the ladies in this picture and I have been friends since we were about 14.  Love these people!

Possibly one of the biggest events is that Miller is a helmet graduate now!  I took him to the orthotist's office to adjust his helmet since it was fitting really tight.  He wanted to do some measurements before making any adjustments and turns out, Miller had improved so much that the doctor said we can go ahead leave it off.  I'm glad because around here, July and August are miserably hot months!

I came into the living room and see this- Declan taking care of the "baby."  Sweet boy.

On June 13, we celebrated the one year anniversary of Miller coming home from the NICU.

Speaking of Miller, the boy is into everything now!  He is a pro at climbing on things and the little guy is determined, especially when it comes to the mini blinds.  I don't know what he finds so fascinating with mini blinds, but he is always trying to get to them.

We have spent some of the really hot days at the pool.  Miller is a total water baby, but Declan isn't so sure about swimming.  It took a lot of coaxing to get him in the pool and even when he got in, he didn't enjoy it all that much.

We try to go to the park at least once or twice a week.  The boys love it!

And just for kicks, here is a picture I found yesterday of me holding my baby brother the day after he was born.