How our story is continuing

Over the past few months I have stumbled across several blogs about people who have lost a child, have had babies in the NICU, sick children, or have struggled with some hardship or another.  My favorite blogs to read are the ones where I see how their lives continue after facing tragedy.

Something that has been very obvious to me is that God is continuing to reveal himself to us day after day.  One of the most powerful things I have read is that there is no human experience that God himself has not suffered, even losing a child (Tim Keller, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering).

We hear over and over again how strong we are.  I can truly say that it's not our strength that is getting us through this.  It is the strength of our Savior.  People may see that we are doing more things now and getting out more.  What they don't see is us crying at night, wishing more than anything that we could hold Lucas and kiss him good-night.  They don't see the scars and the pain of knowing we will never get to see that sweet boy smile or walk or go to kindergarten or get married.  And we grieve for that every single moment of every single day.

It is not my strength.  It is the strength of my God.  I would be lost without it.

We know we want to continue to honor our son's life by doing good for other people.  We know we want to share his story, the story of the bravest and strongest person I have ever known.

And that's why I continue to blog.  So that, on the days when I'm finding it hard to even breathe, I can look back and see how God is sustaining us.  And how our story, and Lucas' story, continues.

Pumpkin patch and Halloween

Last week we made a spur of the moment decision to go to a pumpkin patch.  I didn't really have any plans of attempting to carve a pumpkin with a toddler running around.  The whole idea seemed pointless to me.  However, I decided maybe the process of picking out a pumpkin would be fun for Declan.

So off we went to a small family owned farm pumpkin patch.  We first ate lunch as a family for the first time in a long time.

Me and my Miller man.  This boy is growing so fast and getting so big!

After lunch we went to a pumpkin patch and picked out some pumpkins (that we never got around to carving... oh well.)  We also picked out a pumpkin for Lucas and took it to his garden.

Boo Boo saw this car and immediately made a bee line for it.  We had a hard time getting him to come out so we could go home.  Guess we know what will be on his Christmas list this year!

Halloween was messy and rainy this year.  We went to my parents' neighbor's house for a Halloween party.  Declan was cute little pirate and Miller was an adorable fox.

My goodness, that sweet little face!  This little guy has me completely wrapped around his little finger!

We took the Dread Pirate Declan trick-or-treating for the first time.  He was not so interested in the process, but very interested in the candy, especially Kit-Kats.

Family pic.

And I will leave you with the above picture- Declan reaching in the crib to hold Miller's hand.  Makes my heart melt!

Being thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I really do.  I have experienced heartache beyond belief, but I have also experienced love and miracles beyond belief.  Lucas is one of those miracles.

Lately I have been having a lot of flashbacks to the day he went to be with Jesus.

Last night, while Tom was carrying a sleeping Miller to his crib, I leaned over and kissed Miller's forehead.  I was instantly flooded with memories.  One of the last things I did before Lucas passed away was hold him close and kiss his forehead.

I'm thankful I got to do that.  I'm thankful that we were holding Lucas and kissing him and telling him we love him.  I'm thankful and honored that God let me hold Lucas when he went from my arms to Jesus's arms.  I'm thankful that God chose me to be Lucas's mother.  Out of all the people in the world, He chose me to be this amazing and beautiful boy's mother.

I'm thankful for the 76 precious days I got to spend with Lucas.  I wanted more.  I begged God for more, but I'm thankful that I got 76 when I was told I wouldn't have any.

Something else I'm so so thankful for?

I'm thankful that because I know Jesus, I get to spend eternity with Him and with Lucas.  I will see my baby boy again.  Some days that hope is the only thing that gets me through the day.

Thankful for the hope we have in Jesus.

Ready to get up and exercise

It's no secret to family and close friends that I absolutely hated having a c-section.  I was aware from the start of the pregnancy that a c-section was a possibility, given the fact that I was carrying twins.  Throughout the pregnancy one or both babies was breech at almost every ultrasound, so that increased the chances even more.  When we found out that I had polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid surrounding the babies) and that could mean the cords coming out before the babies, it was pretty much a given that a c-section was necessary before my water broke.

The recovery was long and painful and an added stress to an already stressful situation of having two preemies in the NICU.  My feet were swollen so bad that I couldn't even wear flip flops without them cutting into my feet.  I've heard that emergency c-sections can pose a rougher recovery.  I believe this had a lot to do with it.  I was in labor, without any pain meds, for 7 hours before I had a c-section.  And the goal was to get the babies out as quickly as possible, so there was a lot of pulling and tugging hard to pull my muscles apart during surgery.

But it was done for a reason and it probably saved the twins' lives and mine.

Fast forward 6 months and the c-section belly pooch is still there.  I have lost all the baby weight but I have not lost the belly pooch.  And it bothers me a lot.

I'm okay having to move up a pants size.  It actually makes it easier to find jeans that are long enough.  But I feel very self conscious about the pooch.

I know that I haven't made the best choices with food lately.  One too many spoonfuls of Nutella (my goodness that stuff is good!) and a few too many sodas.

But I'm ready to start eating (and drinking) better and start exercising.  I'm sure that a full blown Crossfit style exercise program isn't feasible with my lifestyle right now, but a walk with the boys and some post-natal yoga are.

So I'm raising my glass (of nice, healthy water) to making healthier decisions.  Belly pooch, be gone!