Some honest thoughts and feelings

Today I saw a picture of newborn twins on Facebook.  Healthy newborn twins.  I am so happy these twins are healthy and were born at a good gestational age.  I'm not sure how many weeks but I know it's over 32 weeks, so that's a good milestone for twins.

It made me break down sobbing.  I wish so bad that I had both of my little twinkies here cuddling with me.  I began doing the questioning.  If I had been on bedrest, would that have made me stay pregnant longer and not go into preterm labor?  Why did Lucas' lung not develop properly?  Why did he have all these things to struggle with?....

I think I could wonder, and probably will wonder, these questions for the rest of my life.  Questions I will never have the answers to.

The truth is that I can't look at twins without my heart breaking, especially boy twins.  I never wanted to say something like this because I wanted to seem like I am handling things with grace and strength.

The truth is that, although my doctor said it's perfectly healthy for us to have another baby, we don't see that happening because we are terrified of losing another child.

The truth is that last month when both of my boys were sick with a bad virus (think fever of 104+ with Declan), I absolutely panicked and couldn't even think straight because I am so anxious these days.  It didn't help that Declan was admitted to the ER at the same hospital that Miller and Lucas were at.  Lots of memories flooded back, some good and some bad.

The truth is that grief doesn't expire.  I think of Lucas constantly.  I wonder if he knows how much he is loved and will always be loved.  I wonder if he knows how very much he changed our lives and that we are so thankful for his precious life.  I wonder if he knows how much I fought for him, even when we were told that he would never make it through the pregnancy to be born.  I wonder if he knows that although he was born facing issues from the very start, he was absolutely perfect to me.  He was beautiful and perfect and I fell in love the very first time I saw him on ultrasound.