Anxiety. Something I have struggled with my entire life. I don't normally talk about it because of all the stigmas attached to anxiety, but it is part of my life. I stay up at night a lot worrying about things that are completely irrational and out of my control. Losing a child has amplified my anxiety. Lately, I have lost a lot of sleep worrying about a myriad of things. I haven't felt peace in a long time.
This week, I went grocery shopping by myself. I was about halfway through my shopping when, on the radio in the store, I hear the song I used to sing to Lucas.
"Back to Pooh Corner" was a song I grew up listening to. It was mine and Lucas' song. I never sang it to Declan or Miller, just Lucas. It was our special song. Each of my boys has a special song that I sing to only them. I think I've heard "Back to Pooh Corner" on the radio maybe once or twice in the past few years. When I heard it in the grocery store this week, I couldn't control the tears. It brought back so many memories of me singing it to him and holding his precious little hand. I quickly paid for my groceries and proceeded to walk out of the store, when I look up and see a mom walking in with identical twin boys around Miller's age.
Of course, I start crying even more and I call my mom. She said something to me that had not occurred to me before- maybe that was a little way of Luke saying hello to me. He knew twins would get my attention.
Fast forward to yesterday. Thomas and I visited a new church with friends. On the way to church, we were talking and we agreed that we need some peace and joy in our lives again. We immediately felt at home at this new church. During the service, the preacher announced the birth of- you guessed it- new identical twin boys born to someone who went to church there. And then on the big screen is a picture of a mother holding her sweet twins.
Then the preacher started talking about the song "It is Well with My Soul."
He talked about the man who wrote this beautiful song, Horacio Spafford. He was a successful lawyer with a wife and 5 children. In 1870, his son died from scarlet fever. A couple years later Horacio, his wife, and their 4 daughters planned a trip. His wife and daughters went ahead of him on the trip after last minute business plans held him back for a few days. Their ship sank and all of their daughters drowned. His wife survived. When he was on his way to be with his grieving wife, the crew of the ship asked if he would like to stop by the spot where his daughters drowned to pay his respects. That spot is where he wrote the lyrics to "It is Well with My Soul."
The preacher talked about joy and peace. To be honest, I didn't ever feel like I would know peace again. Joy was a different story. Thomas, Declan, and Miller bring me endless joy every single day. But peace, that's something I hadn't felt in ages.
I felt peace yesterday. For so long, I was feeling like God dealt me this really bad hand in life and then just forgot about me. I felt that sadness that you feel in the pit of your stomach. That pain that just doesn't go away. Here we are, 13 months later and I still feel that deep sadness and it seems like everyone else has just moved on and forgotten about my beloved little boy.
I am sure I will always struggle with anxiety and sadness. But it was nice to feel some peace yesterday and to actually feel that that sermon was meant for me to hear. I felt that God was telling me that He truly wants me to have joy and peace.
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